Clockwork

Clockwork

Alarm. Snooze. Alarm. Angry shouts. Alarm. Snooze. Brush. Rush. Coffee. Work. Coffee. Play. Coffee. Angry Shouts. Work. Cycle. Coffee. Cycle. Set alarm.

Day after night, week after month, I sat (sometimes laid down and looked at the ceiling) and wondered, wondered about how easy it was to forget, how easy it is to preach, how easy it is to dream; how difficult it is to let go, how difficult it is to heal, and sometimes how difficult it is to even breathe. But we breathe none the less, we find ways to let go, to heal. We are all troubled people. Some have a way to own their troubles and find a way make them go away, while some others dwell in them and let themselves drown it that misery. As hard it may be to accept, I belong to the later. But then again, I heal nonetheless.

Writing; it is the healer, like a solace to the soul full of troubles, music to the mind, and comfort to the body. Call it passion, call it madness, call it stupid; but the fact remains. But lately, I haven’t written. I haven’t written in a long time. I haven’t written like the way I used to. And that bothered me because I wasn’t healing, like I used to, like I am supposed to. Like clockwork, I worked all the way to this coffee shop and settle at this seat beside the plug point, open my laptop with one and only intention – To Write. And all this while, coffee after coffee, and an occasional free coffee and what not. I had spent more on coffee than on hosting this very blog.

The question is why? Why I am not being able to write like I used to? What is so different now that my mind is always completely blank all the time, while once upon a time, I wrote at lengths and lengths – Nonsense none the less, I still wrote. But now it all seems so distant, that feeling, that zeal to write, that enthusiasm that I had. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to write, I crave to write actually and yet I can’t even put one word down. I thought may be it is the stuff that is happening with me. The stuff that in some way is weighing me down and restricting the words that would otherwise flow like a dream. But it is just empty. The thoughts are empty, the ideas, on the other hand, are not. But what good is an idea if I can’t shape that idea into something meaningful to serve a purpose.

May be I thought, it might have something to do with the white walls of my room and that a change might be a good idea because a fresh air is what we sometimes need to clear our head. Instead of taking a walk down the park, I went on a shopping spree on Amazon sitting in my room surrounded by the same white walls. I even forgot the fact that I didn’t have money to pay the last two month’s minimum due amount and here I was buying stuff that I couldn’t possibly afford. It was my fresh air. But then again, a moment after a satisfactory mind cleanse that this fresh air did, it hit me like a truck. It was the message on the phone that is still running on its thousandth EMI, which showed a message from the credit card company and the figure it showed just blew my mind away. Even my friends abroad won’t make that much money as much as I am supposed to pay to this card company. On second that, I just realized that I made that stuff up. I don’t really have friends abroad.

So like clockwork, I worked all the way up to this coffee shop and settle down with a mugful of coffee, while music played loudly in the space with one and only intention – write. And all this while, coffee after coffee, and an occasional free coffee and what not, the cursor still blinked at the beginning of the page. May be it wasn’t a good day to write, may be my mind is a little preoccupied, or may be I am getting distracted by the people sitting next to each other and talking as is they are on opposite poles of the earth.

Or may be…. may be I couldn’t just write anymore.

____

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I am taking My Alexa rank to the next level with Blogchatter – #MyFriendAlexa
Alexa Rank : 9,791,939 (1st September, ’17)

179 thoughts on “Clockwork

  1. This happens to us all, last year this time I would blog twice in 3 months, and now Its a different story. I think try writing on prompts thats what got me started 🙂

      1. The metaphor is interesting!! the Clockwork. The opening stanza is interesting!! The struggle to get through what is intended is interesting!!. only if the story is real and your current situation,its saddening…. else the story is true picture of what we all go through.
        The way you put it across was interesting!!

  2. Writer’s block happens to the best of us. I either a) force my way through, writing drivel or b) try doing something creative other than writing.
    Retail therapy is not the answer.
    Good luck to you. May the words flow soon.

    1. a) Yes, forcing the way through is what I am trying to start of with.
      b) This is something I have to look into.

      Sigh, if only retail therapy help. 😛

      Thank you for dropping by. 😀
      I hope to come up with a better post. 🙂

  3. You seem to be getting sucked up in your own expectations from yourself. Had I known you better I would have told you to just scribble something and share because that would atleast get pull you out from the abyss. Hope you figure whats getting to you. All the best. Nonetheless, loved reading your web of words. It did touch my heart

  4. As i was reading your post the word “Exactly!” was running in my mind in loop…I always feel this block but somehow by grace of God I guess I am surrounded by people who inspire me to write. May this block take a pass on you. Good luck with penning down your thoughts 🙂

    1. I am glad to know that there are people who inspire you to contribute to write. I am still trying to find that lost mojo back. I hope so too to get back on the bandwagon as soon as possible.
      Thank you for dropping by and for your time. ☺️

  5. I have been always a fan of your writing and if this is what comes out when you are going through a writers block then I wonder what will happen when you go all guns blazing. Great one AK my brother. Keep writing.

  6. Did you realise that in your ‘not able to write’ state you actually wrote quite a heartfelt and sensible post? I’m sure you are not alone. Words sometimes take time to catch up with thoughts. Give them time. You’ll be fine.
    By the way, I love the pictures you post on Instagram. 🙂

    1. I believe this post is more of a complaining post against myself. But you are right, nonetheless, I did write something and I hope that I continue to do so, but a little less whining about my ‘inactive-writing’.

      Oh, I am glad to know that you liked the pictures. And thank you very much for dropping by. 😀

  7. It happens to me also often..I won’t force myself to write..If my mind is blank, I can’t write whatever I do..Take it easy and after some time, you will get new ideas to write!!!

  8. “But lately, I haven’t written. I haven’t written in a long time. I haven’t written like the way I used to. And that bothered me because I wasn’t healing, like I used to, like I am supposed to. Like clockwork.”

    Couldn’t have put it better myself. Have felt so for a while too, but I am writing. Somewhat. Healing somewhat better now. It’s just a phase, I think. Once that first couple of barriers are pushed past, it becomes easier. 🙂 Stay at it. Time for second post of September perhaps. 🙂

  9. Everyone goes through a phase like this, I guess. But participating in blogging challenges motivates us to write in a disciplined manner and gives us a creative outlet. So keep writing. All the best.

  10. 10 year ago i opened my first blog. It was private and still is. I used top pen down my poetry. I cannot remember any of it and now i cannot even think poetic. Happens. Life happens. But i love your fluid thoughts. Let them flow. words will take shape and that will eventually come to life. all the best

    1. 10 years. That is a long time you have been blogging. I have 8 years behind my name, but couldn’t make anything noteworthy.

      I am definitely visiting your blog asap.
      Thank you for you kind words. And also for dropping by. 😀

    1. Yes, you told the same last time we met. 😛
      I am on the same boat as you. I don’t even remember the last time I wrote. Imagine, it has been that long.
      But I hope that you will get back to writing asap while I am a bit more lazy, so it might a much longer time than you.

      And thank you for dropping by. 😀

  11. It happens with every writer at some point of time. Many times I am all prepared to finish my writing schedule but as the time comes, I just want to do everything except writing. I know I am wasting time but it happens. Still, you have narrated your feelings transparently.

  12. Hauntingly beautiful and candid. I suppose most writers go through this and sometimes conflicts in personal or professional life could adversely impact the writer in us. But going back to our art is always alchemic and I hope you find your mojo back my friend. I loved reading you- so glad to have connected

    1. Why, thank you. 😀
      There was a time when I use to write about all these conflicts as well, because in a way I think I wanted to document them and see what better way to mitigate them. But now, I guess I just bar them by doing something else than writing.
      And art, I believe that is how it should work. I too hope that I get my mojo back and start writing like I used to.

      Thank you for dropping by and the feeling is mutual, glad to have connected with you. 😀

  13. YOur thoughts seem to flow even when you are suffering from Writer’s Block. I wonder how fantastic you must be when you do write. By the way I love your blog design. I too used NISARG for a long while but couldn’t manage to make it as fantastic as yours.

    1. I think that might also be termed as whining. 😛
      Well, only way to know is when ( IF) I get back that mojo back, somehow.

      Oh, thank you. You are too kind to say that. And I think you did a great job on your blog as well. It looks great (er than mine, obvisouly). 😀

      1. Well I changed the theme to Anisa but I still don’t know how to get a drop down menu. I still don’t know how to reduce the categories. I still don’t know how to add the tweet box in the new WP Editor ( as the plug in doesn’t show up in the Tool Bar), similarly the Yoast feature is also not enabled in the new WP editor page…. Basically I don’t know how to work in the new WP Editor and constantly shifting back to the wp page is a PIA

  14. When I have writer’s block it’s like a paralysis of the fingers. I cannot bring myself to type. Your writing flows beautifully even in a block. That said, did you try reading – other blogs maybe, or your own old ones? That works for me sometimes. Or try prompts. Picture stories help sometimes. I do hope the phase passes soon because your writing has a beautiful lilt to it that I would love to read.

    1. I feel the same thing.
      You are too kind to say that. I don’t know how many coffees and procrastination and whatnot after I came up with this post.

      I am currently reading other blogs. Though, I didn’t try reading my older posts. And I should try those prompts / picture stories. I too hope so that I get my mojo back.

      Thank you very much for your kind words and dropping by. 🙂

  15. Nice thoughts. I can resonate the same with me.
    I feel like writing more and more and more but somehow cannot make time to do it. Hence I need to park my thoughts and ideas at the bay and need to wait for the time to come so that I can pen them down.

  16. hi ajay , nice writing bout not able to write , haha , writing bout not writing got u so many comments , what if u actually write , keep going ,

  17. I think all creative people or people associated with some or the other form of art go through this phase time and again in life. But the fact is the time when we used to be good at our art was just the time we had more positive circumstances may be. Creativity & talent doesn’t fade away, it just needs a little time to resurface I think.

    1. It happens with me all the time as well, like it is happening right now.
      I went ahead and deleted, or more like bought a website and then sat down again with my best friend called “Writers Block”.
      I hope it passes as soon as possible.

      Thank you for dropping by. 😀

  18. i liked this post! it shows the utter helplessness of the writer. it reflects ur feeings in its purest form. hope u find a way to light soon! btw I really liked the layout of ur site:) hope that ll cheer u up for now! will revisit this blog soon to find a more cheerful post!

  19. “Don’t invalidate people’s struggles because you’ve been through worse. If someone is tired after working for 5 hours and you worked for 7, it doesn’t mean that they’re not allowed to be tired. It doesn’t mean they can’t feel what they’re feeling just because you’ve had it worse.”

    I just write this today somewhere. Everyone in life is struggling with a battle ..it’s how you face it.

    Good write up

  20. Well said Ajay. Writing is therapeutic, cathartic, healing, evolving and all the positive things the written words belong to. Somedays, it is an illusion too. The cycle of change.

  21. Hey Ajay!
    ‘I crave to write actually and yet I can’t even put one word down.’ You’ve summed it up for me. I hope #MyFriendAlexa’s weekly target help us both get out of this writer’s block. 🙂

  22. Don’t worry. We all face such a situation when we are out of ideas. But its better not to write when you can’t think of anything instead of writing just for the sake of writing. Frankly speaking, while reading the post, I dint feel s if you are going through the saturation phase. It was a nice read!!

    MothersGurukul recently posted http://mothersgurukul.com/perks-of-being-a-writer/

  23. A lot of us go through this time and time again and all I can say is keep the faith. Times change for the better many times even when you may not realize it. I can surely vouch for the fact that despite all this you have written an interesting post and am sure the light around the tunnel is nearby and things should be fine sooner rather than later :).

  24. Ajay, don’t be so hard on yourself. We all have these phases, sometimes they last longer, sometimes they are shorter. But what really helps, and did help me recently when I took a break from writing non-stop for almost 10 months, was to put a deadline to the day I’d get back. And to stick to it.
    Sometimes we just need a break to come back all recharged and rejuvenated and write our best.
    Here’s my post on writing breaks:
    https://natashamusing.com/2017/08/taking-writing-break-mondaymusings/
    Maybe it might resonate with you.

    Loads of light & cheer your way!

    1. If at all I am being hard on myself might be because of the time that I am taking to get back to writing. All I do is procrastinate and lazy around. Yes, deadlines is what I need and a system to follow it as well.

      Thank you for dropping by. 😀
      And I have read your blog post. It does resonate. Well written, btw. 🙂

  25. I was reading the post and had this deja vu feel to it, yes this happened with me before – many times.But honestly whenever we come back from this stage something beautiful crops up in words like how this post is. Beautiful to the core, mirror of what we feel and thing. I love it.

  26. Alarm. Snooze. Alarm. Angry shouts. Alarm. Snooze. Brush. Rush. Coffee. Work. Coffee. Play. Coffee. Angry Shouts. Work. Cycle. Coffee. Cycle. Set alarm.

    This is just my life at the moment. Sigh.

  27. Writers block – it’s the bane of our existence! And yet, it does happen to the best of us. You’ll pull through this. Maybe with a few pieces that you don’t like much, and then suddenly, you will find your voice again.

    P.S.: This was a great free write!

  28. Loved the way you have written this article. It makes a simple fact so interesting .. Hope you are able to write soon and all the best. Look forward to your next blog as I loved your writing style ..

    Neha (Sharing Our Experiences)

  29. But you did write. This. Now. And although you talk about coffee after coffee and the rut you write so well.

    I have been away from my blog for the same reason too. I wish to go to the coffee shop one day to write what my heart says. Coffee shop would be a change.

    What I am saying is it happens but writing also happens because only that can heal.

    1. Yes, I did, after a struggle of ages, procrastination and whatnot.

      Do let me know if you plan to go to Starbucks, I have free coffee. 😛

      I hope so too that it will heal.

      Thank you for dropping by. 🙂

  30. Oh! Come. Onnnn!!!!! If this is how you write when you cannot write, I think you’re just being melodramatic like always. And have you considered this possibility that may be you are spending all your time nit-picking others’s comments? 😛
    Otherwise, if the case is different and you’re ‘actually’ not able to write, then just wait it out. The line that separates writing for passion and writing as a chore/habit is quite fine. Consider this “thoughtlessness” period as a vacation, a luxurious one since we are always bombarded with messages and thoughts from all sides.
    By the way, I loved the way you described your between-the-freshly-painted-white-walls activities 😀 Idleness can make us do crazy stuff 😀

    1. This is how I whine when I am unable to write. And I am pretty sure you would also accept that my whining is getting out of hand a well. -_-

      That is an interesting way to look at it and I hope that it works out for me.

      Why, thank you. 😀

  31. Comments in a sizable number tells that what you write has something special.Such a person can find each and everything coming on the way as a topic. Very well expressed.

    your credit card liabilities may be one of the reasons that pulls back from imagination.So better you don’t buy anything, till your debt gets cleared. And then restrict your expenses as per your purse’s thickness.

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