“I could feel the blood draining from me. My hands went cold, the heart started beating faster. There was chaos in the mind. The breaths became heavy as I shivered and a cold sweat drained from me. The hearing became numb as I saw the stars in the bright luminous light. The vision became blurry. This can’t be happening. No. No. No. I shouted in silence of my mind.”
Disclaimer : The following post will consist of the timely valuation of self and the “shit” that happened in real time(almost). “Tread with caution”. Why? Because it will be total BS and a rambling of a, well one fairly unlucky guy who happened to look for a change, a fresh start only to get trapped in the misery that life / fate (or please do feel free to suggest the the appropriate attribute) throws at us.
Author’s Note : I had a feeling that I might have been a little forthcoming without actually stating the facts which might have led to it. This is the follow up of the previous post which will probably give an insight about what happened. Update : Thanks Red, for the kind words. But I still have a hard time believing that everything will be fine.
Continued from here : It’s ironic, actually!
08 : 25 AM
I wake up as usual, a little late messing up my plan to go to office a little early because I have plans in the evening. The alarm had been ringing for the past 2 hours or may be may be more. Because I had a missed call from a the room in the other room, probably to tell me to shut-the-damn-alarm. The evening plan that I had might require ditching the office a little early, or a lot early if I got to office the usual time. Hence, the plan was to make to office early and then I could get out of office on time without much fuss. But, I was late, way too late. So much for the talk, right? Oh wait, it gets interesting. That was just the beginning.
10 : 40 AM
I was on my phone checking the messages and Twitter updates for the “Blogger meet” which was in the evening. My phone rings and it is the Airtel Customer care for the 4G broadband. I had already blocked four numbers and still I get calls. The funny part is when I really have a problem which I still do, I don’t get any call. Oh they do call alright, saying that they will look into the issue and get back to me. But they never do. This has been happening for the past 4 months. I have sent numerous emails and raised complaints and it doesn’t get resolved ever. But the one time I was interested in the Broadband connection and accidentally gave my number, I am being showered with constant calls. Anyway, I hit the ignore button and it rings silently. A moment later I get a call from the IndiBlogger (which they do to confirm whether I would be able to come to the meet or not). I assumed that this was the call from the Airtel and let it ring silently, and then it hit me that it must be them. But by then, I was a little too late to respond.
11 : 05 AM
I had been working on something for the past two weeks and the earlier day I finally managed to almost complete it. I was kind of new to the whole thing, so it took a way too long time. And the remaining part also was new which I had no idea about. So, the plan was to take the help of a friend and complete it. It might take a couple of minutes or a half an hour at top for it. But if I were to learn and do it, it might take the whole day or may be more. So, the idea was to owe my friend one and get over with this work. And did I mention that it was the last day in the project and I wanted to get out with a positive note. So, I reach office and something stirs in my mind. I feel something wrong, or I don’t know, something was off and I could sense something, a bad feeling perhaps, but I brushed them aside because well remember-the-talk? So, I sat comfortably in my place and then log in to start my work, or probably finish it.
A few minutes later as I stared at the computer taking my eyes off the mobile, just like that, I could feel the blood draining from me. My hands went cold, the heart started beating faster, there was a chaos, a struggle to breath as the hands shivered under the cold. I was staring at the blank screen. The work! My work! All gone! Just like that. The back up of the work, gone! I got nothing! For a second, or probably a minute I didn’t believe it. I just couldn’t believe it. I had no idea what to do. The due date was the previous day and I took the liberty of one more day because well, I was new to it. I had a million things going through my mind that very instant and I still couldn’t figure out to recover my work. Unfortunately, it couldn’t be recovered. I wasn’t thinking. I couldn’t think. This wasn’t happening. No, this just can’t happen. It can’t happen to me. Not today. No. No. No. I was in denial. I chose to take a walk and drank the whole three glasses of water and walked back. It still wasn’t there. This was real. This was actually happening, to me. After everything I have been through this year and after all the talk the previous night, this just has to happen to me, that too today,the very next day. Today was the last day in the project and I wanted to leave on a good note. And this! I was in total denial but the reality woke me up. I was done, for sure. I looked at my watch. 12 o’clock.
12 : 00 PM
I started calculating the time and the only way was trying to re-do everything, the two weeks work in 4 hours. I got down to business, yet again. But then, this wasn’t my day and it had all the intentions to break me down. So, the ” software” I was supposed to be working on had to make my already worse day even more worse. It took another little over 2 hours just to get it to work, thanks to the friend who helped me set it up whilst it would take it forever.
01 : 30 PM
There was a lunch treat from a friend and the occasion was that it was her last day too. And she insisted that I be present for the lunch-treat. So lunch it was. One more hour or so just vanished just in front of my eyes. The whole lunch time I was constantly checking the time and the time left and wandering lost in thought whether I would be able to make to the meet. Yes, I can. I will complete and make it in time for the evening plan. I kept saying this to myself under my breath. I was physically present, but mentally I was lost, totally lost.
02 : 45 PM
We complete lunch and head back to the office. I didn’t want to ruin it for the other people, so I kept that plan and work schedule that I had to myself. But these guys were walking as slow as a snail. It took another solid ten minutes to reach the office and then finish setting up the computer for work.
03: 26 PM
I started working. 30 more minutes and can I make it? It would be superlous but I did make the effort to complete it. First of all, I wasn’t thinking strain keeping the half an hour deadline which was torturing me and making my mind literally numb. I had to recollect everything, the two weeks of work. I had done that on my own, by hit-and-trail method. So, there were a lot of things coming to my mind and filtering all through them and figuring out which one is the best one to implement was a whole other struggle altogether. Believe me, I was lost. I couldn’t think, I mean I literally can’t think under pressure. And this pressure was killing me. And secondly, I am not a big fan of remembering things.
4 : 00 PM
Again, I had done a lot of things to get that perfection, that precision and recollecting it was way above me at this point. Anyway, the plan to leave was postponed from 4 o’clock to 5 o’clock. One hour to go and I got down to business again. I dug up, deep into my brain and did everything I did the last two weeks, trying to retracing my steps the same exact way from the start. I did remember a few things, but that’s just bits and pieces. So, hit and trail method was in play. The minute hand in the watch was zooming like it is on fire with a nitrous boost. I was feeling it, the numbness in my mind while the decisions lay hanging me. I knew that I was screwed. I actually was.
05 : 00 PM
5 o’clock and still a little work is left. Another 10-15 minutes would do, but it takes up another half a hour for the perfection and the precision that I achieved the day earlier. 5 :30 pm. The bus leaves now. I need to waltz out just now, like right now. It is now or never. Though, I managed to complete the work of two weeks, there was still something left which I actually scheduled for today. I had no idea how to do it. And learning it would take a pretty long time, while the plan before I entered the office today was to take the help of a friend and owe him one for it. But the tables were turned and I was in a big pile of shit or misery or whatever you call it.
05 : 30 PM
The time was up and I though may be I will come tomorrow and do the honors of completing it. But then again, there was a complete electrical shut down for the whole day, the whole Saturday which was basically for maintenance purpose. Awesome. Just great. Just effing great. I think I had that coming, well, it is me here so, nothing could go right, just for once in my life. The time was 5:30 PM and I was still processing whether to just ditch the remaining work and make it up on Sunday may be, and then I see a message from a friend with whom I have been meaning to catch up for like 3 weeks now. I messed up something ( the classic me, right?) and I wanted to catch up to check whether we were still fine. There I was, basically and literally banging my head on the wall so as what decision to be made. I was totally losing it. Eventually, I lost it. I lost the plan of ditching the office to go ahead with the evening plan, and then I did agree to catch up, I was too late to reply. I was raging inside with what we call anger, shouting at the top of my voice within and having thoughts of breaking some things. But I keep my calm outside as if nothing had happened. I just could do anything. I sat there staring at and thinking I-don’t-even-know-what! So, lose-lose, I mean the biggest lost ever. Well, that pretty much sums up me – the classic me. So, I just wanted to stare at the light and pretend to lost in thought, thinking about the day that just blew me up into pieces, inside out, and crushed my “faith” or “whatever bullshit it is called – fate? or just bad luck or fuck, if I know”.I have had it neck deep and that was it, I had to break down, but still I was doing this inside. All this “with in” thing was nothing new, but that day the magnitude was very huge and it just blew off all the charts crushing me inside. That talk, Fuck that shit!
For the next three hours I literally did nothing but try to comprehend the day, how real it was and how worse I was in handling it. I understand that life is hard. But what in the fucks name is this? I do believe in the concept of ” what goes around comes around”, but what went around that this had to pierce through the heart, crushing it. There has to be some sort of explanation. You say bad luck, karma, whatnot! Okay, may be they are real and screw people over. But how do they know the exact time and place to do it ? There is something happening, something which is not so right and screwing people over for no apparent reason.