Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Can I confess?

Can I confess, asked the mind contemplating the thoughts that evade reality. The words felt heavy, the screams louder, but there was silence all along. Why do the words evade this reality? Why is it so afraid of the light of the day? Why do they find comfort in the privy of the night, lurking in the shadows, screaming yet silent? Why not let the heart ease its pain, by letting go? The turmoil and the vigor that they hold settling in the mind with a spectacular view of the life that goes by. Life, ah paradigm of reality.

A dilemma surrounded the epiphany. And when asked about things that matter : Confusion. Fear. Ego. Desertion. "The weather is nice today, isn't it?" Evasion. Why? The insecurities haunt the monotony of revelation. The aftermath seems catastrophic, a word of which is like a domino in precise perfect position that could snowball down the slope, never to be recovered. Let go of things, they said. That is when the diary saw the fluorescent light of the night, warming up the pages with tears that hugged the words dearly, a solace in disguise, freedom to the caged bird. But let me take a shot : Love and Life !

Love ? You asked me a thousand times; I just evaded the answer. What is love but a coalition of two minds, two hearts beating in unison. No, I have never loved. I have never wanted to love. I kept that part of the heart blocked away, hidden so deep that I have lost it altogether. "So, whom do you love?" Your question resonated in my mind. "No one," I said. "I haven't found the right one," I said. You thought I lied. But, I did tell the truth. For love was something so far away for me, I never contemplated its presence around me. To be fair, I never deserved the love to love. I kept my promise to self.

"What do you want to do ? Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" A question that haunted a few nights. You might have heard something climbing up the ladder, this place, that place. I had articulated a well rehearsed story, however different to each person. I lied. In my constant contemplations and searching for the answer, I have crossed a few five years and the result was not what I had expected. What did I expect? If I could articulate it in a word: nothing. If I could say it in an essay, it is still nothing. But if you insist, all I see is a limbo of darkness, a paradoxical emptiness, an abyss breathless.

This is written for #BlogChatter Prompt of the Week : Can I confess?

PS : Can I confess? I guess, I can't.
PPS: Thanks to IQ for editing and a brilliant comment. Forever in debt! :)

Friday, November 13, 2015

Investigation Discovery

The Murder Mystery Guy

The dust settled finally. Though the mind had its presumptions and conclusions and they were heading towards a good way. There was an eminent doom, this day or the other. The mind has a way of assuming and concluding things. Though it didn't hurt anyone to be a little optimistic, but this pretty petty little mind had other plans, to be always worried. Eventually, after slipping out of the office and taking the wrong bus (again) and finally settled at the one coffee shop that was perhaps 3-5 miles away from my residence. Though, the people behind the coffee counter were quite friendly, unlike the I don't care guy who I was with for five days. And they even knew my order by this time. How cool is that? No discounts though? That bulky service and whatnot tax was still imposed on me.

The coffee cup went dry and the night sank into more silence and was getting darker by each minute and I had five miles to cover. Thankfully, I knew the way and I never got the pleasure of using the Google Maps after the first few days. As I talked to myself back to my guest house, I had a feeling I won't like what I would see when I reach my room. I had enjoyed the solitude for the past one week, enjoying the space for two people and walking around naked (not exactly but still). I crossed my fingers just in case. Turns out, the fingers crossed doesn't work. Dammit. 

There was a bag and neatly arranged bed and a pair of shoes. It was safe to say that it wasn't my bed nor were the shoes mine, because my bed ain't tidy and I was wearing my shoes, but no one was around. Dinner. Yes, it was dinner time already. Though I had enough coffee and cake for the night and my dinner was served along with the five mile walk. I got freshened up asap and fired up my laptop. That is my involuntary response after I reach my room. Yes, I pity my laptop too. I was trying to get my vibe back. A couple of days before anything of this happened, I had a very good vibe and I was getting pretty decent ideas to write and words were just pouring out. And since the knowledge of this transition, to new place and work, just put me in a different position and I lost that so called vibe somewhere. So, I was reading to get that jibe back, just as then the door opens and a five foot, a little bulky figure walks in. I look up to find the figure moving towards its bed and setting it up. But this time he did introduce himself. After the exchange of formalities and why I got stuck here and why he came, it came to a halt when there was nothing more to discuss about, for that night. And he continued watching TV and I got back to my reading whatever that I was reading.

It really gets awkward when there are no topics to talk about. Eventually, people start talking about their interests. Apparently, this gentleman was watching only one channel for the past two days. So, our new friend was a mystery loving guy and add murder to the word mystery and he is like a moth to the fire. Basically, it is an investigative sort of show which went by the name of ID (Investigation Discovery) where people show the real life murders and enact what had happened as the victims/people involved narrate their story. This guy is a big fan of that and whenever he gets a chance, he starts telling a story about what he say the other day, what he saw before I came back from office. It was going non stop from there. I had no idea what to say after a few 'oh', 'oh really?'s' and plastered that interested -inquisitive- so-what-happened-next look. I never knew there were muscles / nerves that would twitch after a certain point of time. I was more concerned about maintaining that look than listening to what he was saying. Thank god, there wasn't a viva at the end of the story. After he had finished narrating his story, that show would eventually come up on the TV, because it is run on repeat the whole day. Though at the end of the week, there were no more murder mystery stories. His tenure was over. And I was still counting my days as of when I might get out of that place.

#Kolkata, #KolkataDiaries, #People, #Murder, #Mystery, #InvestigationDiscovery, #Day13

Thursday, November 12, 2015

I don't care, okay ?


The calmness was damning. The cool air prevailed as the Air Conditioner adjusted itself to the adapting room temperature. The glow from the laptop was illuminating the room as I sat before it reading whatever I could. I was scared. No, it would be an understatement. I was terrified. With being acquainted of a task I knew nothing about and being brought upon for an immediate help was making my legs shake. The mind exploded with million things that could go wrong and a billion things I would screw it and a trillion things that would backfire and I would be standing there at the middle. The scene was pretty damn insane in my mind and  no one would like to visit it. Not even if the prize money was a billion bucks. 

Just as the millionth fission took place in my mind, the door opened. Silence, my mind stood for a fraction of a second. A five foot something figure barged in, threw away the backpack on the bed and grabbed the remote and started browsing through the channels as if some stock market had crashed or some epidemic has arose in some part of the country / world. "Blahblah...channel...blahblahblah..." He was speaking gibberish to me, but to his friend he was speaking Tamil. I stared at him for a few seconds. I returned to my bombarding world a moment later when there was no concern whatsoever for the new guy in the vicinity. Apparently, some Tamil channel wasn't coming and he was getting agitated about it. Turns out it is some entertainment channel and not even a news channel. 

I looked at him a couple of times, hoping to swing in my hand and introduce myself. But he wasn't interested in formalities, I guess. Either it was Tamil marathon or an WhatsAppathon. Either way, this guy didn't give shit. I just returned the favor. Moreover, I had a bomb to take care of, so I could care the least about this fellow. 4 days I shared the room with this 'I-don't-care-guy', without knowing his name or whatever the reason he was there for. 

#Kolkata, #KolkataDiaries, #Deputation, #Work, #Roommate, #whatThe, #Day12

Wednesday, November 11, 2015


Part 1 : It all began ... 
Part 2 : Insanity has a new meaning 
Part 3 : Sinking in 
Part 4 : Steep Slope 
Part 5 : The lost art
Part 6 : That twist of fate
Part 7 : Crushed
Part 8 : The Meet

Another question I have trouble answering is "Where are you from?". The thing is I was born in one place, lived in so many places and then have been to different places during holiday (like to grandmother's house). Okay, I agree with you. You must probably be thinking about Why can't you just tell your father's birthplace (?) (no one stays there) or your mother's. The most frustrating thing about answering this is the justification I have to put forth. I am from abcxyz. No one, I mean no one knows this place. So, basically I have no answer to the following question "Where is that?" as if that wasn't bad enough, I can't even read my mother tongue. Yes, that's insane, I know.

Anyhow, this was the last week and I was getting called into the conference rooms asking me to extend my tenure and since I hadn't worked in the proposed plan since they had me working on something else. The plan was to get the hell out of there and no matter any sort of persuasion altered my decision to return back. So, the crush-turned-sister started complaining about the odd working hours and the people working like animals. Yes, she said that. And I was very glad I was getting the hell out of there. I had no social life, whatsoever. Though we can argue that I didn't have it anyway, but that wasn't the point. I barely get any time, for myself? Anyhow, the final day had finally come and the work was on a halt since there was some issue with the licensing of the product. I was glad that I wasn't asked to give a speech before leaving. Phew, that would be one awkward silence, wouldn't it be?

"So, you're from Hyderabad! I have been there. It is a great city."
(Wait a minute, I don't know anything about Hyderabad, I was just there for 1 day. umm, but let me play along). "Yeah it is".
Then he went on mentioning some places which I have heard for the first time and the time it used to take to cover that distance and I was there nodding. Boy, this guy tells anything and everything.
"One thing I like about the city is that the Girls use scooty".
(I was like what!?) "Yeah, *a little confused look* they do"( EVERYWHERE. They have started using CARS, for gods' sake and I don't even own a bicycle. Beat that.
Finally I bid my farewell and got out of that place, for good, I hope. I really hope, I don't go there, like ever.

After sleeping through the night, at 1100 hours I bid farewell to the city of joy, joyfully

#Explore, #Kolkata, #KolkataDiaries, #Work, #Deputation, #NewAssignment, #newToTheCity, #Impression, #Farewell, #Hyderbad, #, #People, #Day11

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

The meet.

Part 1 : It all began ... 
Part 2 : Insanity has a new meaning 
Part 3 : Sinking in 
Part 4 : Steep Slope 
Part 5 : The lost art
Part 6 : That twist of fate
Part 7 : Crushed

"Hey, I am Ajay".
"Nice, here's my visiting card".

It has been nearly two months in the city and the contemplation of exploring has been shoved down the drain. It was mostly either the same mall or the same coffee shop. Boy, I am such a bore! Argh. And I was a little infuriated when I learned of the IndiBlogger meets happening back in the city where I was supposed to be. These Blogger meets are fun. And they happen so rarely that I wouldn't miss them unless they are in the far away city. The reason for I being furious was the I wasn't supposed to be here in the first place and on top of it, my stay got extended. But. But. But there was a meet scheduled just one week away and I was like, "Finally, some adventure, Yaaay!", I shouted sitting in the room staring at the computer screen. I had been in the room the whole weekend and the room was getting bored of me and me staying in the room.

The reason I go to these meets is to meet new people. But being an introvert, I don't get to meet anyone. And whomsoever I get to meet move on to better people. I wouldn't blame them, because I was being me. Frankly speaking I take time to adjust, I guess. I know I am just making up excuses and all. Eventually, I met a few people though and I am not sure whether they would remember be now or not. But I would really recommend not to start a conversation with "Hey, this is my visiting card", perhaps start by telling your name. The usual team activities took place and the group that I was in named themselves "Alpha Q". Yeah, not so cool, or even appropriate. But lets' not pass judgment on the stupidity. 

And the biggest trouble I face all the time is answering the question : "So, what do you blog about?" Frankly speaking, I just write random things, everything and anything that comes to my mind, half of which doesn't even make sense and this is a personal blog or sorts. Though I write poems(sort of) occasionally, stories too. And I have another blog for expressing the story in a frozen moments - photography blog. I have never rehearsed the answer for this question and it feels like answering to an unknown question during a viva. But here I know the answer, yet I don't know what to say. Eventually, I ramble, and I do that so bad that the person listening will be like what-the-hell-is-this-guy-even-saying does-he-even-write? Note to self : Get your act straight about what I blog? 

Eventually, it ended with a paint-your-dream-house brochure while my camera has another lonely day though I had hoped to get some great clicks in the day. 


#Explore, #Kolkata, #KolkataDiaries, #Work, #Deputation, #NewAssignment, #newToTheCity, #Impression, #BloggersMeet, #People, #Day10

Monday, November 9, 2015


The worst nightmare
Part 1 : It all began ... 
Part 2 : Insanity has a new meaning 
Part 3 : Sinking in 
Part 4 : Steep Slope 
Part 5 : The lost art
Part 6 : That twist of fate

"Bhaiyya, yeh aapne solve kar diya?", said one of the girl I was crushing on. (Yes, you heard it right. One of the crush! What can I say there are so many! )

We all have that knack to show off. Well, I have it in a huge quantity. Though it turns out, I haven't got much anything to show off, I still try. But then how else could one sway people away? 
Have a face of Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise or even Hrithik Roshan, and that would burn a serious hole in the pocket for the plastic surgery.
Be an out standing guy , which didn't mean that you had to stand outside and I didn't know that. So, uncheck
Be an interactively funny guy, thanks to my social skills and... "Knock Knock. Who's there? *awkward silence* "...and well, not good with jokes either. So, uncheck.

Eventually, I adopted other ways to show off. Like having a cool hair style, but as it turns out someone already jinxed that. Anyway, after trying all possible failed scenarios, I was trying to mind my own business solving the Rubik's cube. And I know how to solve it, which Is cool, I know right! But that was my show off. Most people didn't know and as you can imagine people would be interested in knowing the solution. And you see what I did there. I raise their curiosity and they would come to me, instead of me running after them. Yes, there are a few people with the whats-the-big-deal-about-it kind of people, but you see curiosity is a fickle thing. 

I would solve it, scramble it, and then solve it again. It had been a week and people have noticed and yet were pretending that it-wasn't-a-big-deal though they wanted to know how it was done. Though a few did like to know but it turns out these were the guys chubby guys with work as their priority. But then, it finally worked.

"Bhaiyya, yeh aapne solve kar diya?", a girl said and I refused to turn over. Bhaiyya? Really? Yes, I may be a year older, but bhaiyya? After recovering from my fogged mind, I turned out hoping it shouldn't be one of the girl I was crushing on. Boom. Crush number 2. Nuclear bomb in my mind. Turns out, it was. With a heavy heart, I responded and even tried to teach. I was just hoping her friend (Crush #1) doesn't address me the same way, which she didn't. Yes, she wasn't interested, at all perhaps.

#NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) #Day9

NaBloPoMo November 2015

#Explore, #Kolkata, #KolkataDiaries, #Work, #Deputation, #NewAssignment, #newToTheCity, #Impression, #Crush, #Bhaiyya, #heavyHeart, #Day9

Sunday, November 8, 2015

A twist.

That twist of fate.

Part 1 : It all began ... 
Part 2 : Insanity has a new meaning 
Part 3 : Sinking in 
Part 4 : Steep Slope 
Part 5 : The lost art (continued)

It was midnight at touchdown. I returned to my room and instead of sleeping, I opened my laptop. I don't even know why I did that, perhaps it was a habit. Anyway, I wake up late the other day and as it turns out I was running way too late for office. Who would have thought, right? I nearly the dodge the you-are-late bullet and settled in my desk only to find that the nutcase was taking a leave and as a result I was supposed to do his work. That was preposterous, I shouted, in my mind. But then again I had no choice there. It was that kind of work which needed attendance, like a dying patient. Actually, come to think of it, the reason we were called so urgently was the very same reason. So much work, very few people and so less time. I was the one performing CPR, I mean close to it. Yada Yada Yada. I am doing that guys' work.

*Stare at the fan*
*Imagine you are going into flashback* 
Round , round and round, the day is two week before the above mentioned day.

"We would like you to extend your stay."

"But as per the prior arrangements, I was supposed to be leaving on this month end."

"Yes, but since a the Phase I is still under review and minor changes are coming our way, we would like you extend for three more weeks. You have been doing a great job in Phase II, but it would be great if you could extend".

[ After denial and bringing up the agreement clause and this and that, it was decided that I had to stay for three more weeks. The work was divided then and there itself that I would be working on Phase II and the nutcase would be working on Phase I ]. 

"Damn. There was no point calling me and having a discussion when they had decided to put me here, there was nothing much I could have done about it", I was speaking to myself on my way back, cursing all the way.

I booked the return tickets immediately without any delay as I had no intention of staying any longer and also that they said that they won't ask us to extend the stay. So, this brings back me to the situation at hand. I was working on Phase I and my Phase II was on hold. One week in, I am still working even when the nutcase returns from his hiatus. And when the second week started, I was given new work of Phase I and with a deadline. Wow, these are really crushing me with work. The initial work which I was supposed to be doing had a tentative date, which I could set. But this was just getting out of hand. Even though, I meet the deadlines and everything, their management of things wasn't proper. And I think that was the case why they were running on hot waters.


#NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) #Day8

NaBloPoMo November 2015

#Explore, #Kolkata, #KolkataDiaries, #Work, #Deputation, #NewAssignment, #newToTheCity, #Agile, #Struggle, #Flight, #touchdown, #work, #pressure, #Extention, #Day8

Saturday, November 7, 2015

The lost art.

Do you even adventure?

Part 1 : It all began ... 
Part 2 : Insanity has a new meaning 
Part 3 : Sinking in 
Part 4 : Steep Slope (continued)

Another reason for having my hair chopped was that I had to go home and there I would have to hear the non stop rambling of why I should get a hair cut and how stupid I look in that long hair and bla bla bla. It was better to just shush them by trimming the hair, which didn't turn out as planned, did it ? Remember, I mentioned about trying to do the job on my own of getting that sexy hair style, turns out it didn't work either. And every time I looked myself in the mirror, I had the urge to strangle that guy staring back at me for that monstrous clown looking hair style. 

It had been two more years in that City of Joy, with the only time I went out was to have some dinner or watch a movie. I was quite an adventurer, believe me I shocked myself. I had this crazy thing of exploring the new countries and I couldn't even explore the city. I then realized that I needed someone, a company or a guide to walk me through the city. Or just someone who was interested in exploring, by which I mean like minded people. But no much luck actually. The weekends faded with constant constipation. I claimed myself to be an adventurer with a knack of clicking photos. 

Finally, the two years were coming to an end, I mean the 2nd month was almost coming to an end. And I had to hop on a flight for a house warming ceremony along with my brother. The journey, I tell you was simple, okay? But traveling in a flight does feel like a privilege, doesn't it? And we have to enjoy it, though a few people have their share of discomfort to fly in air, but I really do enjoy. But what happens is after waiting for an hour, followed by security check and then again waiting for an hour and then finally board the plane all excited only to find myself asleep. After five minutes, I get down and feel like, "Wait, did I even fly? Didn't I just get on plane?". All that excitement of boarding a flight ends, just like that. Anyhow, I reach the city, attend the house warming  ceremony, got an earful about what I am doing with my life and to get a hold on it, I return back almost immediately. And that brings us to the end of the month of August. Phew, 45 days felt like two years. Another 20 days to finally getting out of here, I slept on that thought.


#NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) #Day7

NaBloPoMo November 2015

#Explore #Kolkata #KolkataDiaries #Work #Deputation #NewAssignment #newToTheCity #flight #houseWarming #brother #adventurer #Photography #hairCut #Struggle #Flight #Day7

Friday, November 6, 2015

Steep slope

That steep slippery slope

Part 1 : It all began ... 
Part 2 : Insanity has a new meaning 
Part 3 : Sinking in (continued)

The anticipation to get the hell out was increasing with each passing day second. The 3 years of the Bangalore weather has made me intolerable to a little bit of change in temperature since the city has always been kind of cool and not so hot. And imagine a little bit more heat right after rains. What preposterousness was that ? As it turns out the seconds were going at hours pace. No kidding, I kept looking at the clock for the second hand to move and it took one hour to more one space ahead. I wish I had used this new found slowed time to get to know her, admire her. Only if I had taken that chance. If only. And then reality struck me, the work wasn't getting into my damn head. Not even a bit. Understanding the code was difficult as it is and there she was lingering in my mind, walking right beside me while I am trying very hard not to look and at the same time fighting to look. Ha, a battle of mind. Mind over matter or Matter over mind. Whatever.

As per the agreement, I was supposed to be on flight by the end of the month of August. I had already spent 2 years in the first two weeks of my stay. By the middle of August, I was told to extend. I protested. They put forth their argument, I put forth mine. But my argument had a very little or no weight at all. Eventually, I made to lose with the stubborn people. I was made to stay for 3 more weeks of the September month. 3 more weeks than the original plan. For me it looked like 3 more years. That day, I happened to notice my hair, which was surprisingly gray. A lot of gray hair. May be I am just another 40 year old in a 24 year old body. Now, I was conscious about my appearance and hair, because well, her.

At just the end of the mid August, I had to had a haircut, because of the unevenness and the stupid paths the hair was taking going in all directions and well hairfall. After spending a hefty sum of money, he makes me a clown of me with his hair styling tricks. No, I didn't ask for that look. And no this wasn't a magic show. He understood nothing of what I had said. And now, this(me) was the sad looking clown. It was stupid. So, I buy a pair of scissors and try to make it look presentable cursing the barber for his extra ordinary skills. As it turns out, the scissor was one screwed up shit. It wasn't even cutting the paper, let alone hair. The trouble that I had to go through for not looking like a clown. Eventually, everything failed. I had become what I had tried all that weekend to avoid. And the next weeks, the more painstaking trouble that I had to take to keep myself from being noticed. Ah, that struggle. 


#NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) #Day6
NaBloPoMo November 2015

#Explore #Kolkata #KolkataDiaries #Work #Deputation #NewAssignment #newToTheCity #hairCut #Struggle #Flight #Nutcase #aDistantMemory #Day6

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Sinking in

Sinking in

Part 1 : It all began ... 
Part 2 : Insanity has a new meaning (continued)

As the flight took off, I slowly dozed off. I even forgot to take the mandatory flight selfie, which if you don't know, you shouldn't be allowed to travel in a flight. The instruction manual has the rules ranging from fastening seat belts to getting out of an airplane in case of emergencies. The 6th point right before the Emergency section states that people should take a selfie before switching off their phones and they can resume taking them after the flight has gained altitude. If you don't get a perfect selfie and happen to take a lot of time to get that perfect pout or smirk, you could be detained from the flight or ask a flight attendant to take the pic for you. In case of emergency, there will be no Internet so restrain yourself from sending a SOS signal (ie, Messages like "Finally going to crash" ) sort of tweets for your own safety.

The flight lands and thankfully  and after contemplating it turns out that I will not be sharing the room with the nutcase. Finally, I am glad. Eventually I settled myself in the allotted guest house and opened my laptop to read what I was supposed to do, for the first time. It looked simple, only that it wasn't simple. After a few hours of changing places and breaking the laptop and banging my head against the wall, I have finally mastered it. Sorry correction, I was sure that I will be going on a return flight the very next day. That would actually be cool.

After a long standing wait, the formal introductions and passing internal judgments about the messy hair and undergrown subtle, people shook hands with me. Oh yeah, that guy was me. I was least bothered about my physical appearance, except that I wasn't dressed in a ragged torn out clothes. I carefully and clearly mentioned that I had to idea what I am supposed to do. We will start the training from tomorrow. I guess they never heard me properly. Nevertheless, I was tied to this and there was no escaping it. A week into work the clock was set from ten in the morning to ten in the evening. The insanity had no bounds. 12 hours of work and no extra pay and no special recognition, no nothing, just work sounded more like a punishment than a favor. I was in no position to stick to this ridiculousness. I had planned out a new timings for myself. After all, I was doing them a kind of favor. The so called Greek and Latin training was over and everything went over my head. But the show must go on and we were given our places. After two days of trying to get things into my my head I saw her ( A Distant Memory )


#NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) #Day5
NaBloPoMo November 2015

#Explore #Kolkata #KolkataDiaries #Work #Deputation #NewAssignment #newToTheCity #Flight #Nutcase #aDistantMemory #Day5

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Bangalore, Karnataka, India
| Writer | Photographer | Split Personality Disorder | Foodie | Music | Art | God-Fearing Atheist | Movies | Golf | Soccer | Dance | Mentally Stable Psychopath |