Monday, February 23, 2015
The song resonated in its rhythm
Filling the corners of the theater
In silence, the audience tuned in
To the melodious brilliance
The mind swayed in the swiftness,
While the soothings hit every nerve
As the intensity of the voice was felt
The gravity of the words sank in
Unbounded by ones' thoughts,
The mind freely fell into bliss
It wasn't just a song, but
A composition of tormented feelings
Stories vibrated in the ambiance
Echoing the pain, the struggle
The world came to a still
As the final song was performed
The people admired in awe
He breathed in the appreciations
Before him was a dream,
A fulfilled lifetime ambition
As the limelight glimmered
Slowly, he opened his eyes
To find himself alone
Standing in the old coliseum.
- Ajay Kontham, '15
Thursday, February 19, 2015
When the love is overrated and a lot undermined. And then there are people who becomes experts with "doctorates", as if they know quat. These people suggest not to get into, but what do they know about it. They say they saw, they have been there, they know things. But they haven't been in my shoes. How can they know how it feels, how empty I feel? How can they know that heaviness the heart carries each day? How can they know the pain that something/someone is just that arms length, yet too far away? How can they possibly know? How can they possible relate their story to mine? And then they say it is the same every where, with every one. It happens the same way, just the journey to begin it is different. Well, something we both agree on.
They don't stop. They say Don't do it. She isn't suitable for you. She is out of your league. You are not qualified. You are dreaming too much. You are this, you are that. But no one in the right sense encourages the feelings that keep eating me inside. Whats with the eating, you ask? The words fail me, as I find myself lost in the normal conversations. The mind remains preoccupied all the time. The thoughts slur. I dig myself into ways to express, to let the feelings known, speak out, or perhaps write. But I am lost. A hole is dug, a deep hole that is filled with emptiness. Emptiness, the feeling that feels the void in the mind, or is it the heart. They say heart. I know its the heart speaking, being a little crazy, a little stupid, for that one person.
Then I finally met her, her vibrant charm giving me goosebumps, as I float in the soft clouds, drifting in the voice, that sweet voice. I want the conversation to go on. But then I realize that I am just babbling, words that didn't make sense. She laughs at my troubles, the smile the melts the heart like the april snow. I smile and continue my struggle to keep up the conversation, just to keep her at my sight, involved in my conversations and perhaps hope for the magic to happen. But time. Time has always been the enemy, the one thing evil I had ever known. She leaves with a smile, giving me assurance to meet again, that we will continue, but some other time. I feel hopeful, but at the same time I feel the emptiness, even though its been just a second. I stare as she fades in my sight as she takes the turn at the end of the corner.
Call me crazy, but I have never felt the void so heavy, the emptiness so dull, the world so monotonic. The void which she fills up when I am in her presence, even if it for a moment. And the heaviness when she leaves. What is this, but not love? I assured myself to complete me. I was ready to take the chance. I knew that a life without her, would be a life lost. I look up in the mirror as I rehearse the script I wrote while the hundred torn pages lie on the floor withered. I feel hopeful as I imagine my reflection as hers and recite that lines that keep playing in my mind. I could find the heart beat fast already. Her reflection in the mirror fades into mine. I see my nervous self, a person torn between the moment that next, and what's tearing him apart, you ask! Perhaps, it is love. And then it hits him. He knows that he would love her, forever. But will she? Will she be able to be like him for the rest of their lives, imparting the same love he feels he has for her. He brushes away the thoughts, shakes himself, adjusts the tie and is about to leave. Then he hears the reflection in the mirror which stops him from taking a step out, his reflection speak, "Love thyself first".
#iAmYou #youAreI #TheCroniclesOfYouAndI
Sunday, February 15, 2015
I have been asked a question a lot many times these past few months. And I am getting more familiarized with the very question with no good answer. Well, I do have an answer, but this puts in front of me a few more unanswerable questions. The very question could tell almost everything about me, or perhaps give a brief insight about me in a nutshell. If you are wondering what this question is, let's find out.
The last month had my birthday and the ritual that I follow consists of me going out, spending on food and umm, that's pretty much it. For the past six to seven years, I have been doing the same. So, one of the following days after the "big day", it goes on like this (most of the times) :
What did you do on your birthday?
I went out and had a stupendous meal.
I went alone.
*a little perplexed face, probably because they don't know how to react to that while I give an awkward smile*
The weekends after a very busy week, which most of the people eagerly wait. Since the time Monday begins, I look forward to the weekend in anitcipation of doing something exciting. Then again the eagerly awaited weekend finally arrives and those two days shouldn't go wasted in any way. So, I go for movies (sometimes), or to that new restaurant which opened last week, or the new Starbucks Coffee to check what the fuss about the coffee for the high pocketed or if I feel too lazy, to the regular coffee shop. The following day, Monday which everyone of us hate, the conversation goes on ..
How was your weekend? How did it go?
It was okay types. As usual
How was your weekend?
It was okay. I hung out with my friends.
What did you do ?
Well, I went to watch a movie on Saturday.
I revamped my Camera. You know the karma shit. It is always there to kick my ass, even if I don't do anything to it. My camera had a trouble, for reason unknown. The cost of repair was equal to a new camera. Yeah, karma is a Biatch. When I say revamped, you get the point, right? I took a new one. Though I wanted to take a high end model, then I realized I was a shitty photographer already ( Photography : proof ), so if I were to go for a high end camera, I had to know everything that is to know how to operate a camera, properly. No, I still don't know. Yes, I have been using a camera for 4 years now. Remember, the shitty photographer comment I threw at myself? Anyhow, I revamped that whole thing but I think I am letting it get dusty safely in the cupboard. Instead, I had an idea of going out, somewhere out of the city or perhaps out of the country. [ But then my bank balance : Zero ] *cries harder*. So, I got a lot of saving to do ( don't laugh, please ). But I took the effort to research a few places and decided to go anywhere somehow this very year. My initial plan was to go this very month whilst I will procrastinate. But remember I mentioned something about revamping the camera, the result of which is reflected in the bank balance. My first choice was Mauritius ( did you see the photos? the sea water? just perfect for honing my photography skills). I thought it was somewhere near Lakshadeep Islands. I found out that it is in Indian Ocean but not a part of India, but Africa. So whatever! I am going there. But let me rob a bank first. A few days later, or I guess it was the following day I was in conversation with a friend.
....So, what else?
Hey, you know what? I am planning to go to someplace, out of the city, like Mauritius, Goa or perhaps Leh Ladakh, or anywhere.
I am getting bored and so I will go there and take some pictures with the new camera. (I think I sounded a little excited).
Okaay. With whom?
All by myself. ( I was getting bored of using the word alone).
All this while, I had a lot of thinking about this "issue" at hand. I do a lot of things alone. I don't do a lot of other things because I am alone. You see there are both sides. But the scale is heavier on the things I don't do because I am alone. But let's consider the actual scenarios that I am involved with. Going alone to the movie sucks, I know. But what else am I supposed to do when I have a few friends / acquaintances who bias the movie based on ratings, other's reviews, language, the genre, IMDB rating, whatnot. The problem being we consider watching movie an event. Perhaps it should be done something if we are in a company of people and suddenly decide to spend the time watching a movie. But instead, we plan a week ahead, cancel the plan for the day because we got a movie to watch. I do these things spontaneously, and perhaps thats the reason I go alone?
If you want to watch a movie for passing time, just go and watch with friends. Even if the movie sucks, there will be something to get some fun out of it since there are friends involved and friends won't let a boring movie bother us. But, that is not the case with me apparently, if the movie sucks, I have to put on my headphones and listen to songs and wait for the movie to get over like I did today. Oh bloody hell, that movie had no story and it wasn't getting over anytime soon.
Now the question that stands in front of me is : Where are your friends, AJ? I wish I had a definitive answer to the question. I am not a people person. It takes time for me get adjusted, acquainted, but when I do I could be crazy, crazy enough for you to block me ( No, not exactly! I am exaggerating. Don't block me now!). I do have friends but sometimes they can't make it to everything I might be involved with. It feels like I have friends but then again I don't. The people whom I consider friends are mostly the people I work with. And as you might have guessed, they have they own friends of their own ( from their school, college, likewise ) and they have known them for a long time have attuned to them in a matter of speaking. There may be new people in our lives, but then again there is that old bond that could never go old, no matter the time / distance / whatnot. I have been a migrant, which means I haven't stayed in a single place for a long time. That should have be a good thing, considering the fact that I have had the chance to meet a lot of people which inturn meant that I should have a lot of friends. There is a procedure that is in play when someone ( say a stranger) becomes a friend, then a best friend and then a friend for life. I haven't stayed long enough to complete that process and all I am left with were friends-turning-acquaintances, while some don't even remember me (true story). Perhaps its' just me and there
might be is something wrong with me ( which is true which is quite evident, Iguess). So, its' me in the limelight again who need some (or a lot) changing to do. But isn't it late? It is late sure, but not late enough to start over. I say this to myself that from tomorrow I will be doing things differently. But the tomorrow turns to hundred another tomorrows and ten years from now, I will be writing this very post again, with a different example. But let's not lose hope, right now !
Friday, February 13, 2015
Are you listening to the voices
Drifting in the air of chaos
Are you listening to the stories
Etched for eternity on the canvas of sky
Shouldering the stories, of people
Would you let me be a part of it?
Burdened with the mysteries of the world
Would you share them with me?
In need, you were there as
A shoulder, to cry on
A friend, to talk to
A guide, to lead on.
Soaring high up the mighty mountains
Gliding through the monumental cities
Sinking in the pleasant oceans
Storming across the dessert terrain
The game you play
Hiding benevolently in plain sight
A mystery that you are
Leaving me alone and empty
The void is bulging
The space is suffocating,
It's not the same without you
Let me be your home, your refuge.
The silence is deafening
Perhaps all is lost. But then,
Swiftly the autumn leaves crumble
Swirling and gushing, you revive the lost hope.
- Ajay Kontham [ 2015 ]
P.S. : I have been working on this for a month, or perhaps even longer. I was at loss of words / inspiration, nah, mostly words, I mean I forgot how to use them (seriously). But I have to thank Wanderer for writing a post titled "Hey Wind" and giving me something to write about, a poem, I mean worambling (If in case you are wondering what it is : Word + Rambling = Worambling. Yes, I created the word! And please no applauses).
P.P.S : I used the same title as Wanderer. Hope that's okay?
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
“Social media allows us to behave in ways that we are hardwired for in the first place - as humans. We can get frank recommendations from other humans instead of from faceless companies.”
― Francois Gossieaux, The Hyper-Social Organization: Eclipse Your Competition by Leveraging Social Media
Facebook Check in : At Pizza-Hut, E-City" #Lunch #hungry #Pizza
Twitter : The Pizza is delicious. #hungryForMore #Lunch #somethingLooksDelicious
Instagram : *Posts a selfie of myself and a slice of awesomely looking Pizza*. #pizza #anyone #instaEdit #selfieWithPizza
Twitter : 3 more slices remaining. Anyone? Then, it's just me. Great. #pizzzzzza #Morepizza
Twitter : 1 more slice. Last chance, anyone? No. Thank you. #Pizza #pizzaHut
Twitter : India is so going to Win. #IndVsAfg #WorldCup2015 #Cricket
Twitter : Time to get back to work. :( #officeSucks
Instagram : *Posts a sad face selfie* Going back to work. #Work #office #officeSucks #selfie #noFilter #instaShare #htcOne #htcOnography
- We, the people (most of us), today
Life happened to us. We have accustomed ourselves to evolve and learn things as they go. We have been constant learners and called ourselves dreamers. We did dream big and made it a reality. One such thing that has been constantly evolving with us is the technology and the life surrounding the very technology. As of today we are completely dependent on it and we just can't make a day pass by without it. Starting with waking up in the morning, we are dependent on technology. It has influenced us in so many ways and has become a part of our lives. Before we know it, we have become a part of it rather than, it becoming a part of ours, be it smart phones or the world wide web. And in the process, social networking happened, as a intermediary of technology which changed a lot of things around. When I say changed a lot of things, it is not just one field, but almost every field we can possible think of.
I took a first step into Social Networking - Orkut. Though, I urged with my mom over the Yahoo Answers website which I felt was cool (mostly because of the funny jokes, or perhaps the stupidity), where strangers would answers to our questions and the vice versa. I really didn't understand the concept of Social Networking at that point of time. I found it as a medium to connect with friends. I have been a migrant for a long part of my life and have been to many places. So, in the process I have managed to make a few friends while others remained acquaintances. But the joy and the fun in connecting with them is difficult to put in words, mostly when you realize that they still remember you, like you remember them.
Facebook happened. It was complicated to understand in the beginning, but it became easy and the process continued. Adding friends and increase the friends count became a preliminary task of having an account social network. I had never understood why we used to boast about the huge number of Friends in our Friends List. I feel stupid now. But then it, Facebook managed to impress many other people and managed to take the top spot in the social networking category and now Orkut is dead, literally.
In the beginning of this year, I introduced myself to the field of blogging. I started a blog, then a few more, deleted those few more and started writing in the one I started off with. It was then I came across Twitter - a micro blog (with 140 characters restriction). That's what I used to call it and tell my friends about it, sometimes urged them to join it. But still till this very day, I rarely have any of the people I knew back in the school and college. They have been busy, with the other life. I started "micro- blogging" because not everytime I was able to write big big essays and call them intellectual knowledge sharing, which was read by just me. But let's not speculate.
I got a touch phone. Wow, right? Yeah, I felt awesome, but the dream of having of having a iPhone was too far reaching even at that time. So, as I was experimenting with all the possible available applications and everything that was available (for free), I came across a free internet based messaging platform - Whatsapp. What was that? I had questioned it for rather too long as there was no one on it (none of my friends) and wondered if anyone would ever use it. And just look at today. We just love to hear that Whatsapp notification sound, on which we just have to check it out even if we are hanging on the bus with one hand holding while the remaining body in the air.
The following years had more of experimenting with the Internet and placing my name everywhere on the Internet. (Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Now, it is just impossible to undo). Anyhow, life continued and slowly the social media (Facebook, Twitter, every other thing) became a part of our lives. And before we know it, we became a part of it. When I say we became a part of it, I mean we have come to a stage where we can't stay without it. Now, we can't resist ourselves from using it every once in a while (or perhaps more frequently)
Social Media on Mobile Vs Web : How has it impacted my life?
Like I mentioned earlier, I have been associated with Blogging for quite some time now and I have managed to be a part of that community where people indulge in writing and sharing our views. It is similar to what we to on Facebook and Twitter, but on a larger scale. When I say larger scale, I mean not just the audience, but the content that is put up. Yes, the audience is small and that's where Social Media comes into play. The social networks are audience oriented and have a large people base from different countries. So, where else to reach the maximum people than these sites, be it Facebook or Twitter, it has always provided a platform to showcase. Now, it is just not the idea / thought / opinion which is put up in the blog, but almost every other thing. And mind you, anything we do, the whole whole is watching. We have come to this limelight sitting in front of our laptops or holding our smartphones. We express ourselves on a social level, with people watching us. The impact of Social media is huge, if considered. But then it depends on what we are considering.
I have had the privilege of travelling to different parts of the country, call it the work requirement which my dad had to fulfill. So, along these migrations from one place to place, I came across a lot many people, some of whom became good friends like I mentioned earlier. The social network not only helped in reaching them, but also continue that long lost friendship.
I have managed to create two Facebook pages. Along with blogging, I have been able to hone my "creative" skills into photography. And the social platform has helped me in spreading the word and let the whole world know how I see the world, be it the words (I put up in the blog) or the pictures (which I put up in the Facebook Page).
I am the laziest person that the world might have ever seen. To point out, I don't even know my dad's number, because long press one in the mobile is much easier than trying to remember a 10 digit number. So, when in the morning a notification from the Facebook urges you to wish a friend since its their birthday today, it helps in a way for people like me.
To put it in simple words, Social media has brought the world, friends and family into a common place or a single device, helping me to interact and to be a part of it.
Then again if I speak about just one person( me), I might not be able to speak about the actual impact it has caused. I am (just) a part of the social network and there is a role that we, each one us play in it. The word social is self explanatory in that aspect.
Social networking is a wide spread phenomenon involving all wakes of life. Be it a 6 year old or a 60 year old, everybody these days are connected to the social media. We can interact with people from different places, know about them, talk to them, know about them. And in the process, inspire, get inspired, preach, learn, share, and the list goes on. At a single touch of a button on our smart phones, we are in company with a million other people.
If one is looking to expand their business, the social media is the right target. Channelling the right resources and products, advertising and meeting the customer's expectation is a way of marketing to expand the business. It could be widespread and since the customer base is large, one can get a guarantee of the investments made.
The wide spread reach and a million other people being a part of it have found a way to influence and inspire people. It may be a little thing, perhaps a good gesture from a person, or a community, the social media has managed to put that in the front line. Not everything hits the news and not everything is appreciated by us. But on a larger scale, these little things are remembered if not by many, at least by a few.
One may be adding "#hashtags" to the events that are happening around, but once it reaches the people, all are united to stand as one for the betterment of the people. Campaigns, social movements, social meetings, forums, whatnot; everything at the touch of a hand. There are many instances where the people on the social media have helped others, influence people, urged to make a difference, started campaigns to spread the message and have been successful in reaching and achieving their objectives. People keep a track of almost everything that is happening in the social network and when the cause is genuine, every other person lends a hand to help. Some may not be ground-breaking, but they do have the potential to bring about a change in a way while some have the capability of uniting people for a specific (read: just) cause.
Social media is updating itself and we can see a lot of things that will happen in the near future. If you ask whether social media is a boon or a bane? Mostly, it has done more good than otherwise. Perhaps, it is us who have the potential to make the right choice and take it forward.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
“You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.”
― John Bunyan
" 1 "
He woke up to the sweet voice of his mother. It was his first day to school. He was very much looking forward to it. His mother told the night earlier while telling him his usual bedtime stories that at school they will tell a lot of stories. He was a dreamer. He has always been. He was inquisitive also. His mother had a difficult time to answer all his questions, which she herself had no clue about. He was only five and no one could complain about his inquisitiveness or the curiosity. Kids are fun like that, her mother thought and always answered the innumerable questions. She always found it cute and proud that he was asking so many questions. She had a plan for him, though she would be by his side each step he would take, his decisions, his dreams, but till he starts making the choices for himself, she had a dream to make something out of him which would make him happy and her the proudest mom on the planet. And that day was his day out of home. He resented leaving home, his mom and venture outside the confines of his sweet comfy home. But her mother insisted. And so he went with a few tears in his eyes. This was hard for his mom to leave him for half a day at school as it was hard for him to stay surrounded by strangers. As time passed, he settles in meeting the new people, his inquisitiveness kicked in and he was all over asking and questioning what his teacher had to say. By the end of day he was happy for he did his part in being himself, a curious kid. The happiness just multiplied when he say his mom waiting by the car. He recited all the stories and every single thing that happened at school. He was excited for another day to go school and start learning. The moments turned into hours and it was evening, his play time after that very long nap that he just had. His mother made his favorite snack and was feeding him, while he was dancing to the songs that played on the TV. And suddenly he stopped dancing. He stood still and couldn't feel anything as his mother saw him falling in his place. He was unconscious. His mother panicked and was shaking seeing his son lying unconsciously in her lap. She didn't know what to do. She immediately picked him up and rushed to the hospital and on the way she called her husband letting him know what had happened. The kid's father assured her that he will in the hospital right away. After a while, he was conscious and his mother was relieved to see him speak again, question again! After a preliminary tests, the doctor told that he has cancer which was in the early stages. She didn't believe it. She refused to believe it. Her husband arrived at the hospital and was totally shaken up when he received the news. They were in denial, but the doctors assured that they will do everything in their capability to cure him since it is in its early stages and there is a probability that it could be cured, but yet there is still a little risk involved.
" 2 "
He saw her the first time a month ago, in her red dress looking elegantly. She had her face covered, perhaps it was the scorching morning sun. She went under the shade of the tree and felt relieved of the cool air that blew under the shade. It was then he saw her in all her modesty. She had a charm he never saw in anyone. And her smile just blew his mind. He was feeling weird, he was slowly falling for her without knowing. It was the first time he saw her. May be he was infatuated by the beauty, that what he reassured himself. He was feeling lost. The rest of the day he was not himself, he was constantly thinking replaying that one minute of his life that happened that morning while he was waiting for the bus. The night was spent sleepless and he was staring at the stars and making wishing in hope to see her again. The next day, he was totally disappointed when he didn't see her at the bus stop, where he saw her yesterday . He was feeling a little lost, but hope, that he had. His world just blurred in front of his eyes except her who saw in glowing colors. He was ecstatic and truly mesmerized. She was in the same office building as him but a different floor. He never knew what love felt like until he saw her. He fell for her charm, for her completely. He was at loss of words. Later, he met her eyes a couple of times and she smiled. Since she worked n the same office as him and it made it a little easier for him to break the ice and catch up randomly and talk. As the talks became more than usual, he started feeling that she completed him in every way possible. They were so alike in so many ways, their likes and dislikes almost matched. He had a feeling that she was also falling for him. A month later he finally proposed her since he couldn't wait for another month for the Valentines' Day. He was so relieved to find that she also felt the same about him the way he felt about her. He was the happiest man on the planet. But he wanted the Valentine's Day to be special. He was waiting for the right time, to make something special for her, which she will remember for eternity.
So, what would it be like if I had unlimited powers? As a child I had always dreamed of having at least one superpower. At a certain point of time, I believed that I really had some sort of power. Like when I was staring at the sun from the window of the car, it was moving along with me. Or the moon which moved along with me. I told my cousins about my super power and they had a great laugh, but I had no idea why they were laughing. But then I grew up only to remember that day and feel utterly stupid about myself and the dream of having a superpower was left to my imagination, or perhaps a distant dream. While I was in the process of building what kind of power I wanted, I just couldn't point on just one thing, because only one wouldn't / couldn't suffice my desire. Yes, I was greedy. I am human after all. But why? Why did I ever want any power? There are a million reasons why I want to have a superpower, like I wanted to be invisible so that I could trick people while playing that soccer game, or have extreme intelligence with no match to me and impress others with the innovations and ideas, or to know what other's thoughts were and the list goes on. If you are judging me in any way, I won't stop you. I am trying to be an open book, but haven't you thought about it at least once? Like how you wanted to teleport to the destination that you desire , perhaps with that someone special, or perhaps go back in time and change that one thing which you wish didn't do and is bothering you, or to save someone you care about because you weren't there. Yeah right, that's what I thought!
Suppose I get unlimited powers on the coming Valentine's day.
Let's assume that the guy in the second epilogue above is me. Now, as imaginary it may sound, please believe it, for a minute perhaps. Given unlimited powers for just one day, whom might I choose and what I might do using the powers to make a memorable day for that special person. Let me break something here, yeah that love vibe that you have started to feel. May be I do something that is totally out of the world and impress that someone special beyond their wildest imagination. But that is just a day of memory. Perhaps, that special someone might just totally start loving me and whatnot. We might talk about it for a few years to come. But then again that one day of unlimited power is over and down the lane I might not bring the magic back whatsoever. Because I have set the bar for the Valentines' Day so high that a normal me could never meet it even in the wildest dreams. And what if, a year later I find myself with a remark from her in the lines of "You have changed". What if I am asked to recreate that day somehow and I fail to do so? What then? "You have changed" has ruined more relationships that one could possibly count even when they haven't changed a bit. The point being, I would want someone to love me for the person I am, not the "unlimited powers" I might / might not have ( even it's for a day). I am not perfect and I know that. And I want that special someone to just love that in me, the imperfection. Perfection is a virtue, we all know, but then again it is sometimes overrated and undermined and not all can have it, and those who have it, struggle each day to keep it intact.
What if I track down that kid in the first epilogue and help him? I have lived long enough to understand how precious a life is. So, what if I help that kid in some way, like say cure his illness. Remember that I have unlimited powers and that means I could do anything, have anything, but the person I would be choosing will be a total stranger. So What! Because I just might bring some happiness to two people(his parents) and a chance for that kid to live a life he was yet to explore, discover and live. I would be helping a total stranger and I just make it the most memorable day for three people.
But then why stop there? There are a lot of kids like him all around the world. Yes, they are strangers, but does that even matter now? I would be having "unlimited powers" just for one day, so I would have a busy day on that Valentines Day. While I am it, I am getting a million things that I just might do, change the world, world peace, stop world hunger, a cure for cancer / AIDS, help people in dire need, whatnot! I could go on and on. But before you start resenting me for taking "advantage of the situation" or "getting out of the purview", just imagine that kid and the his family, just imagine their faces, just imagine (for one moment) their happiness and what they might be thinking and all in all I am not anticipating anything in return. I would have already got the greatest reward. Satisfaction!
Am I exaggerating? Really ? AM I? Huh, you really think so? You think I am being totally stupid and speculating ( "too much" ) out of the boundary of the topic, right? Well, what would you do ? Do follow the link for more details and what you might do for the Valentine's day if you have "unlimited powers" - Baggout Blogging Contest.
"This post has been written for Baggout's Blogging Contest in Valentine's Day. Baggout provides awesome deals on Flipkart, Jabong, Snapdeal, Amazon and 100+ other online stores."
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
"I could feel the blood draining from me. My hands went cold, the heart started beating faster. There was chaos in the mind. The breaths became heavy as I shivered and a cold sweat drained from me. The hearing became numb as I saw the stars in the bright luminous light. The vision became blurry. This can't be happening. No. No. No. I shouted in silence of my mind."
Disclaimer : The following post will consist of the timely valuation of self and the "shit" that happened in real time(almost). "Tread with caution". Why? Because it will be total BS and a rambling of a, well one fairly unlucky guy who happened to look for a change, a fresh start only to get trapped in the misery that life / fate (or please do feel free to suggest the the appropriate attribute) throws at us.
Author's Note : I had a feeling that I might have been a little forthcoming without actually stating the facts which might have led to it. This is the follow up of the previous post which will probably give an insight about what happened. Update : Thanks Red, for the kind words. But I still have a hard time believing that everything will be fine.
Continued from here : It's ironic, actually!
08 : 25 AM
I wake up as usual, a little late messing up my plan to go to office a little early because I have plans in the evening. The alarm had been ringing for the past 2 hours or may be may be more. Because I had a missed call from a the room in the other room, probably to tell me to shut-the-damn-alarm. The evening plan that I had might require ditching the office a little early, or a lot early if I got to office the usual time. Hence, the plan was to make to office early and then I could get out of office on time without much fuss. But, I was late, way too late. So much for the talk, right? Oh wait, it gets interesting. That was just the beginning.
10 : 40 AM
I was on my phone checking the messages and Twitter updates for the "Blogger meet" which was in the evening. My phone rings and it is the Airtel Customer care for the 4G broadband. I had already blocked four numbers and still I get calls. The funny part is when I really have a problem which I still do, I don't get any call. Oh they do call alright, saying that they will look into the issue and get back to me. But they never do. This has been happening for the past 4 months. I have sent numerous emails and raised complaints and it doesn't get resolved ever. But the one time I was interested in the Broadband connection and accidentally gave my number, I am being showered with constant calls. Anyway, I hit the ignore button and it rings silently. A moment later I get a call from the IndiBlogger (which they do to confirm whether I would be able to come to the meet or not). I assumed that this was the call from the Airtel and let it ring silently, and then it hit me that it must be them. But by then, I was a little too late to respond.
11 : 05 AM
I had been working on something for the past two weeks and the earlier day I finally managed to almost complete it. I was kind of new to the whole thing, so it took a way too long time. And the remaining part also was new which I had no idea about. So, the plan was to take the help of a friend and complete it. It might take a couple of minutes or a half an hour at top for it. But if I were to learn and do it, it might take the whole day or may be more. So, the idea was to owe my friend one and get over with this work. And did I mention that it was the last day in the project and I wanted to get out with a positive note. So, I reach office and something stirs in my mind. I feel something wrong, or I don't know, something was off and I could sense something, a bad feeling perhaps, but I brushed them aside because well remember-the-talk? So, I sat comfortably in my place and then log in to start my work, or probably finish it.
A few minutes later as I stared at the computer taking my eyes off the mobile, just like that, I could feel the blood draining from me. My hands went cold, the heart started beating faster, there was a chaos, a struggle to breath as the hands shivered under the cold. I was staring at the blank screen. The work! My work! All gone! Just like that. The back up of the work, gone! I got nothing! For a second, or probably a minute I didn't believe it. I just couldn't believe it. I had no idea what to do. The due date was the previous day and I took the liberty of one more day because well, I was new to it. I had a million things going through my mind that very instant and I still couldn't figure out to recover my work. Unfortunately, it couldn't be recovered. I wasn't thinking. I couldn't think. This wasn't happening. No, this just can't happen. It can't happen to me. Not today. No. No. No. I was in denial. I chose to take a walk and drank the whole three glasses of water and walked back. It still wasn't there. This was real. This was actually happening, to me. After everything I have been through this year and after all the talk the previous night, this just has to happen to me, that too today,the very next day. Today was the last day in the project and I wanted to leave on a good note. And this! I was in total denial but the reality woke me up. I was done, for sure. I looked at my watch. 12 o'clock.
12 : 00 PM
I started calculating the time and the only way was trying to re-do everything, the two weeks work in 4 hours. I got down to business, yet again. But then, this wasn't my day and it had all the intentions to break me down. So, the " software" I was supposed to be working on had to make my already worse day even more worse. It took another little over 2 hours just to get it to work, thanks to the friend who helped me set it up whilst it would take it forever.
01 : 30 PM
There was a lunch treat from a friend and the occasion was that it was her last day too. And she insisted that I be present for the lunch-treat. So lunch it was. One more hour or so just vanished just in front of my eyes. The whole lunch time I was constantly checking the time and the time left and wandering lost in thought whether I would be able to make to the meet. Yes, I can. I will complete and make it in time for the evening plan. I kept saying this to myself under my breath. I was physically present, but mentally I was lost, totally lost.
02 : 45 PM
We complete lunch and head back to the office. I didn't want to ruin it for the other people, so I kept that plan and work schedule that I had to myself. But these guys were walking as slow as a snail. It took another solid ten minutes to reach the office and then finish setting up the computer for work.
03: 26 PM
I started working. 30 more minutes and can I make it? It would be superlous but I did make the effort to complete it. First of all, I wasn't thinking strain keeping the half an hour deadline which was torturing me and making my mind literally numb. I had to recollect everything, the two weeks of work. I had done that on my own, by hit-and-trail method. So, there were a lot of things coming to my mind and filtering all through them and figuring out which one is the best one to implement was a whole other struggle altogether. Believe me, I was lost. I couldn't think, I mean I literally can't think under pressure. And this pressure was killing me. And secondly, I am not a big fan of remembering things.
4 : 00 PM
Again, I had done a lot of things to get that perfection, that precision and recollecting it was way above me at this point. Anyway, the plan to leave was postponed from 4 o'clock to 5 o'clock. One hour to go and I got down to business again. I dug up, deep into my brain and did everything I did the last two weeks, trying to retracing my steps the same exact way from the start. I did remember a few things, but that's just bits and pieces. So, hit and trail method was in play. The minute hand in the watch was zooming like it is on fire with a nitrous boost. I was feeling it, the numbness in my mind while the decisions lay hanging me. I knew that I was screwed. I actually was.
05 : 00 PM
5 o'clock and still a little work is left. Another 10-15 minutes would do, but it takes up another half a hour for the perfection and the precision that I achieved the day earlier. 5 :30 pm. The bus leaves now. I need to waltz out just now, like right now. It is now or never. Though, I managed to complete the work of two weeks, there was still something left which I actually scheduled for today. I had no idea how to do it. And learning it would take a pretty long time, while the plan before I entered the office today was to take the help of a friend and owe him one for it. But the tables were turned and I was in a big pile of shit or misery or whatever you call it.
05 : 30 PM
The time was up and I though may be I will come tomorrow and do the honors of completing it. But then again, there was a complete electrical shut down for the whole day, the whole Saturday which was basically for maintenance purpose. Awesome. Just great. Just effing great. I think I had that coming, well, it is me here so, nothing could go right, just for once in my life. The time was 5:30 PM and I was still processing whether to just ditch the remaining work and make it up on Sunday may be, and then I see a message from a friend with whom I have been meaning to catch up for like 3 weeks now. I messed up something ( the classic me, right?) and I wanted to catch up to check whether we were still fine. There I was, basically and literally banging my head on the wall so as what decision to be made. I was totally losing it. Eventually, I lost it. I lost the plan of ditching the office to go ahead with the evening plan, and then I did agree to catch up, I was too late to reply. I was raging inside with what we call anger, shouting at the top of my voice within and having thoughts of breaking some things. But I keep my calm outside as if nothing had happened. I just could do anything. I sat there staring at and thinking I-don't-even-know-what! So, lose-lose, I mean the biggest lost ever. Well, that pretty much sums up me - the classic me. So, I just wanted to stare at the light and pretend to lost in thought, thinking about the day that just blew me up into pieces, inside out, and crushed my "faith" or "whatever bullshit it is called - fate? or just bad luck or fuck, if I know".I have had it neck deep and that was it, I had to break down, but still I was doing this inside. All this "with in" thing was nothing new, but that day the magnitude was very huge and it just blew off all the charts crushing me inside. That talk, Fuck that shit!
For the next three hours I literally did nothing but try to comprehend the day, how real it was and how worse I was in handling it. I understand that life is hard. But what in the fucks name is this? I do believe in the concept of " what goes around comes around", but what went around that this had to pierce through the heart, crushing it. There has to be some sort of explanation. You say bad luck, karma, whatnot! Okay, may be they are real and screw people over. But how do they know the exact time and place to do it ? There is something happening, something which is not so right and screwing people over for no apparent reason.
Monday, February 2, 2015
"I could feel the blood draining from me. My hands went cold, the heart started beating faster. There was chaos in the mind. The breaths became heavy as I shivered and a cold sweat drained from me. The hearing became numb as I saw the stars in the bright luminous light. The vision became blurry. This can't be happening. No. No. No. I shouted in silence of my mind."
The night was dull and the cold breeze was lurking under the crescent moon. The stars danced in the flickering monogamy of dark luminous night. Like most of the people out there, the year didn't start on a positive note for me, which literally means that it was as normal as any other day. No, the sun didn't shine any different. No, the wind didn't make sweet ruffling giving me a fresh breath, though it was quite opposite. I am in that spot under the limelight where I am being evaluated, or well it does look like it most of it. There have been a lot of tumbling and things going astray and a few are my own doing. And to add to all that, I am having a hard time making choices/decisions. I am losing my mind in a nutshell, if I were to bluntly put the words in truth. It is not something new, but well this time it just went up a notch, way up to the top level. So, in order to cope up with all this, I have these talks, the walk talk ( the one where I talk to myself giving a clear idea what a dumb person I am to the onlookers, where in I mostly cursing God or whatever. And mind you it is the same topic every single day which I am getting bored of, as I feel he is not interested in listening to some guy rambling walking down the street) and shower talk ( I guess this is self explanatory, but this time it is mostly about what to write and all that jazz). So anyway, let me give a small peek into the kind of person I am, which I cleverly hide for the people to not-notice-that-part-of-me.
I had been that kind of guy who instead of taking it to the next level, or at least to get on some level, just try to find ways to not-do-anything. Yes, don't hesitate to judge me. I do that all the time (I mean judging "me"), so please be my guest. And I have the exact same thoughts that you are having. But let's not speculate and put a hold on taking a peek into myself. Anyway, I was having one of those long usual showers, which are long because of the talks, of course. So, while I was under the soft warm trinkets of bliss, I was having my moment. But this was quite a little different. This time, I wasn't talking writing or even the things that happened over the day which screwed me in a way or the other (yes, it happens almost everyday). The topic on the menu was me. So this talk was a little longer and could be termed as a speech (what? You don't believe? Don't worry, you would change your mind at the end of this post). It was long and kind of stupid but now that I think of it, I could relate it to the one we usually see in the movies where in a game the opponent team is in leading with a big margin of score while the team (the hero's team, of course) is still just at the beginning with little or no points, the coach gives a heartfelt felt speech which boosts the confidence or whatever, but mostly it gives me goosebumps. And if you remember the people trolling all over the Internet with pictures or comments saying that their cat turned into a tiger, or likewise after listening to that particular speech. And no, my speech wasn't anything remotely similar. So anyway, this happened :
"Get over yourself. There are troubles, roadblocks, hurdles, whatnot. There will be more and they will continue to come your way. That is how life works. Life is a bitch, I know. But stop bitching about it. You can't pretend to ignore and then really ignore it. Whatever you do, you just have to take it in and get over with it- by fighting your way through it. No. Writing about it in that diary that is hidden under your bed won't help you and it isn't called fighting. You are not freeing yourself of anything though you want to believe that writing is a way of letting out the emotions and whatnot. You are just trying to feel the comfort in writing it down. But let me break it to you, the book, that diary might hold all your frustration but it won't solve any problems. Does it? And what are you bloating about on the mention of writing? Come on, I don't want to be hard on you, you actually suck at it. Yes, you do admit it a lot many times, but at the back of your head you have a voice saying otherwise. But you know what to believe and what not to. Because no matter how much you put yourself in the words, the feelings, the life and whatnot, you still can't escape the inevitable. It will be with you all the way unless you break that allegedly unbreakable wall. It is just that you have to believe in yourself. You have been busy trying to figure out how to live a life and not actually "living" it. The moments pass and you are still in the crossroads trying to figure out what this life is all about. You need to stop trying to figure it out and live your goddamn life . It is mystery for a reason, don't you get it? And it, the life will throw everything that it has got at you. Just stand firm and fight. Fight with all your might. That is the motto of life, in simple words. It will not be easy, it never is, but you have to be strong enough. No, you have to make yourself strong enough and break the barriers and make lemonade with the lemons. Do something, something that you didn't think you could do because nothing is impossible. No, I am not giving that stupid example that says "impossible" is nothing but "I'm Impossible" because apostrophes and spaces just don't fly and magically appear in the sentences or words. But seriously though, nothing is impossible. So, in a nutshell, do something, make something of yourself. From tomorrow, the sun will not shine the same way as today, the wind breezing through you won't be the same, the rain hitting you will be soft and will freshen you. It will be a new day, a new you and everything will be great for as long as you believe in yourself. You are changing yourself, going to influence, inspire others and prosper, be accomplished of yourself. That is a reward in itself, for you and the people around you."
I believe that there were no cats-turning-into-tigers, right? And yes, I had that talk from you-know-who! Well, not the exact whole talk, this is a gist of it actually, oh wait, not the gist but rather the elaborated or should I say the implied version of the talk. The daily routine continues in the night with me ending up making plans for the day yet to come. Slowly, I doze off to sleep and wake up the other day to the alarm which had been ringing for the past 2 hours. So, what was in store for me today? Excited much! I was supposed to be excited but does it stay as excited as I want it to?
Wouldn't you want to know? Let's see how many of you people can make it up to here and are still interested for the following day. You know you cold stop the massacre of your mind right here, right now. I don't know why but this line just keeps repeating itself in my mind. Because I don't know, may it is being ironic and mocking me in the process.
"Agar kisi cheez ko dil se chaho toh puri kayanat usse tumse milane ki koshish mein lag jaati hai."
Before you make any conclusions and assumptions, yes, I am a fan of SRK and many other superstars. But that's not the point. And no, this has nothing to do with "love". This is more on a general sense. The point being, if we wish something with all our heart, then the universe helps you in the achieving it or likewise. But what if we didn't want something with all our heart to happen ( like say Life screwing us over, and over, and over and over) what does the universe has to say about it. Or like say if we wanted everything to be normal and nothing more nothing less, then what? The universe isn't going to turn on us, is it? I guess it is for us to find out. I actually kind of did, that day.
P.S. The title? "What's ironic?", if you are still not sure! Life, actually and you-know-whose!
Monday, January 26, 2015
You are at the bottom of the deepest ocean and have hit the rock bottom and it can' be any deeper. You struggle under your own breath, try to pinch yourself. You weren't dreaming. This was happening for real. But still, you choose not to believe and stay up for a fight. A little something called hope slowly makes its presence and you wait patiently for a miracle to happen. A miracle that might wake you up from this terrible nightmare. You never believed in miracles. You have been such a logical and considered yourself to be an intellect. But now you have changed your opinion. A miracle is the only last resort left now for you. You close your eyes and pray for the first time in ages for a miracle. And just as then something happens. A miracle, but not what you had expected. The rock bottom, the deepest depth just dug itself and there you are drowning, again. You battle for a pint of air just to see the bright sunshine one more time.The time slows down while the depth clouds your thinking, your judgment. You are stuck there, in that darkest depth for reason unknown. But the only thing you know is to fight, and fight you do. You feel tired. You feel the energy draining out with each frozen second. You know that you should be dead by now but you aren't. You want to give yo. But there is still some strength for a little more battle and you fight back, even when you know that you are stuck there, until a miracle were to happen.It gets a little darker and you stop suffocating under the weight of a million gallons of water. You aren't dead. Thank God. Yes. You are very much alive. Slowly, you open your eyes as you lay still in the silence of the depth. You lose the only hope you had, the faith you had left in you. There was nothing good at all, you conclude. You say you give up. You cry your lungs out. You shout till the silent depth makes ripples even under that depth. You made a choice. You chose to give up. Of course, you couldn't take it anymore. You just want it to end. You want to be free.
You wake up to the bright sunlight burning you up. You take deep breaths of life, for your life. You realize you just had a bad dream, or was it? You look around. You see the bare naked sun glaring at you with all its might. The cold of the depth vanishes under the sand. You are all alone. This wasn't you home. This is a nowhere. You fall down on your knees and try to take it in, slowly. It's just barren land without a sign of soul. Just white gravel for miles all around. You are just lost. Which way? The relief that you felt from the water just disappeared in the thin air. You are becoming weak. You already lost hope once. You already chose to give up once. You can't find any other option. I am dreaming. I am dreaming. Wake up. Wake up. This is just one terrible dream. Just wake up. You see yourself on your knees, lost in thought, under the burning sun. You feel the warmth turning into burns. You can feel that burns all over your body, only that it looks normal but it actually isn't. You close your eyes to pray. Pray! you exclaim. To whom? For what? You are just totally lost. You curse under your breath, you shout. Its' just you. Only you could hear your voice turning into silence while you give up. You give up, once again. You just can't do it anymore. You couldn't even fight this time. "GOD!" you call him after what seems like ages. You question his existence, his faith, him being a beacon of hope. You finally ask him to show himself, for once. You ask him to do something, that was the least he could do after all this. You final resort just didn't pan out. You ask him to leave you alone and just stay away from him. "Give up, give up", the voice shouted in your conscious. I can't take it anymore, you shout. Just leave me alone, you plead. It's over, I want it to be over, you hear me. You make a choice. You feel so right. You have lost yourself in the process. But you don't care anymore. You gave up, so you chose to ignore everything else. Your eyes become weak under the blazing sun.
You see the world. You are in the crown. People swirling around you. You are just a spectator. You gave up. But then what is this? What is wrong with you. Suddenly, you feel the eyes, the people around you. Then you see the fingers pointed at you. You can feel them judging you."What is wrong with me?", you shout at the top of your voice, the voice entrapped in the conscious of the mind. You feel the anger raging inside, the blood boiling within and you know that you are at the verge of exploding. Massacre, it would be if you let your demons out. But you don't! You ignore the pointed fingers, the awkward looks and get into your own bubble. You question yourself "Why did I stop myself? Why not beat the shit of him? May be there is some morale left inside me. Perhaps, I am still me!". You stare into the oblivion.
The day was bright and shining. The sun rays kiss you with a breath of fresh air. The birds chirped in their soothing self. It felt different. It felt new. Something has changed. Something new is happening. You can feel it, in yourself. You feel that hope, in the shadows of the past, hiding, struggling to take the spot under the limelight. You see it. You see it clearly with your own naked eyes. With that hope plastered on your face, you take the step into the bright sunshine carrying a new self, new you. You open the door and see the water gushing at you like an storm. You swirl round and round, while the water drags you to the depth, the deepest darkest depth. You hit the rock bottom. This can't be a dream. You are a mess. You are in a mess. You are in this never ending labyrinth of endless despair where hope drowns in the deepest ocean and life lingers in the shadows of the dimmed shadowy past. No, you can't escape it. You know it. But that stupid conscious keeps saying that you can. And then you chose to end it, end it now before you live being stuck in the misery of life.