- ak ™
- Bangalore, Karnataka, India
- | Writer | Photographer | Split Personality Disorder | Dreamer | Thinker | Foodie | Music-Lover | Art | God-Fearing Atheist | Movies | Riding | Mid-Night Adventures | Swimming | Golf | Soccer | Dance | Rational | Stubborn | Fashion | Silent | Sensitive | Calm | Helpful | Psycho | Mad | Crazy | Creative | Mentally Stable Psychopath |
Monday, January 26, 2015
You are at the bottom of the deepest ocean and have hit the rock bottom and it can' be any deeper. You struggle under your own breath, try to pinch yourself. You weren't dreaming. This was happening for real. But still, you choose not to believe and stay up for a fight. A little something called hope slowly makes its presence and you wait patiently for a miracle to happen. A miracle that might wake you up from this terrible nightmare. You never believed in miracles. You have been such a logical and considered yourself to be an intellect. But now you have changed your opinion. A miracle is the only last resort left now for you. You close your eyes and pray for the first time in ages for a miracle. And just as then something happens. A miracle, but not what you had expected. The rock bottom, the deepest depth just dug itself and there you are drowning, again. You battle for a pint of air just to see the bright sunshine one more time.The time slows down while the depth clouds your thinking, your judgment. You are stuck there, in that darkest depth for reason unknown. But the only thing you know is to fight, and fight you do. You feel tired. You feel the energy draining out with each frozen second. You know that you should be dead by now but you aren't. You want to give yo. But there is still some strength for a little more battle and you fight back, even when you know that you are stuck there, until a miracle were to happen.It gets a little darker and you stop suffocating under the weight of a million gallons of water. You aren't dead. Thank God. Yes. You are very much alive. Slowly, you open your eyes as you lay still in the silence of the depth. You lose the only hope you had, the faith you had left in you. There was nothing good at all, you conclude. You say you give up. You cry your lungs out. You shout till the silent depth makes ripples even under that depth. You made a choice. You chose to give up. Of course, you couldn't take it anymore. You just want it to end. You want to be free.
You wake up to the bright sunlight burning you up. You take deep breaths of life, for your life. You realize you just had a bad dream, or was it? You look around. You see the bare naked sun glaring at you with all its might. The cold of the depth vanishes under the sand. You are all alone. This wasn't you home. This is a nowhere. You fall down on your knees and try to take it in, slowly. It's just barren land without a sign of soul. Just white gravel for miles all around. You are just lost. Which way? The relief that you felt from the water just disappeared in the thin air. You are becoming weak. You already lost hope once. You already chose to give up once. You can't find any other option. I am dreaming. I am dreaming. Wake up. Wake up. This is just one terrible dream. Just wake up. You see yourself on your knees, lost in thought, under the burning sun. You feel the warmth turning into burns. You can feel that burns all over your body, only that it looks normal but it actually isn't. You close your eyes to pray. Pray! you exclaim. To whom? For what? You are just totally lost. You curse under your breath, you shout. Its' just you. Only you could hear your voice turning into silence while you give up. You give up, once again. You just can't do it anymore. You couldn't even fight this time. "GOD!" you call him after what seems like ages. You question his existence, his faith, him being a beacon of hope. You finally ask him to show himself, for once. You ask him to do something, that was the least he could do after all this. You final resort just didn't pan out. You ask him to leave you alone and just stay away from him. "Give up, give up", the voice shouted in your conscious. I can't take it anymore, you shout. Just leave me alone, you plead. It's over, I want it to be over, you hear me. You make a choice. You feel so right. You have lost yourself in the process. But you don't care anymore. You gave up, so you chose to ignore everything else. Your eyes become weak under the blazing sun.
You see the world. You are in the crown. People swirling around you. You are just a spectator. You gave up. But then what is this? What is wrong with you. Suddenly, you feel the eyes, the people around you. Then you see the fingers pointed at you. You can feel them judging you."What is wrong with me?", you shout at the top of your voice, the voice entrapped in the conscious of the mind. You feel the anger raging inside, the blood boiling within and you know that you are at the verge of exploding. Massacre, it would be if you let your demons out. But you don't! You ignore the pointed fingers, the awkward looks and get into your own bubble. You question yourself "Why did I stop myself? Why not beat the shit of him? May be there is some morale left inside me. Perhaps, I am still me!". You stare into the oblivion.
The day was bright and shining. The sun rays kiss you with a breath of fresh air. The birds chirped in their soothing self. It felt different. It felt new. Something has changed. Something new is happening. You can feel it, in yourself. You feel that hope, in the shadows of the past, hiding, struggling to take the spot under the limelight. You see it. You see it clearly with your own naked eyes. With that hope plastered on your face, you take the step into the bright sunshine carrying a new self, new you. You open the door and see the water gushing at you like an storm. You swirl round and round, while the water drags you to the depth, the deepest darkest depth. You hit the rock bottom. This can't be a dream. You are a mess. You are in a mess. You are in this never ending labyrinth of endless despair where hope drowns in the deepest ocean and life lingers in the shadows of the dimmed shadowy past. No, you can't escape it. You know it. But that stupid conscious keeps saying that you can. And then you chose to end it, end it now before you live being stuck in the misery of life.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
"I did not know what to say."
Finally the weekend. I knew that this was going to end before I will know it had started. Such are the weekends. And as usual I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing over a weekend. Well, I don't want to point it out. But the point is that, No, its not watching TV or TV series or even movies. That's what I do to keep myself away from what I am supposed to do. Now, don't ask me what it is. I feel not-so-good ( You mean guilty). Well anyway, my only resort left was to write. I think I am good at that. I have nearly 200 notes in my Evernote notepad. I use it because I could write anything on the go and it syncs up on the cloud or somewhere, perhaps. The point being I write a lot, I mean make a lot of notes. Though, I have a hard time figuring out what exactly they mean since I write them up in a hurry, as and when I feel like I got something brilliant. It is momentary, like the white clouds that float in the sky. You can't see them in the night, can you? Now, don't sue me for the bad reference. "Clouds" has always been my favorite word and all references are gonna align with it somehow. 200 plus notes and I am still have no idea what to write about. The confinement of my room is very disturbing, or should I say un-inspiring. Even if I want to write, I just can't write in my room. As awkward as it might sound, it is what happens. May be, the time has come to change my room. So, I hang out at the coffee shop. And people make fun of me for having coffee on a daily basis. I don't know what's funny about it. Is it the fact that I go there alone, or is it that I don't have a solid social life or is it that I spend too much for a cup of coffee, or I don't know ! But anyway, there was no other place to hang out where you could take your laptop, sit under AC, have a cup of coffee while you write away your thoughts, right? So, give me a break.
My birthday is coming up and though I am not a big fan of it, I was told to get some new clothes. Thats' what we do, don't we ? Wear new clothes, be happy, and probably celebrate it with friends by giving them a treat. I would love to do that, but I pray to god that my colleagues don't remember my birthday. Please dear god. Anyway, I was out for shopping, with my laptop of course. After roaming around the shopping mall for nearly an hour, I settled down, not because I was tired but to think whether to proceed with the spending or get something else for that price. It was not likely that I would be getting any birthday presents or anything. The last one I remember was a wallet. That was so sweet of my friends-colleagues. So, I can bid farewell to the over-priced things that could eat up to a years' pay check. and mind you its' just one of the million other things. What? A man can dream, can't he? Don't me that look, that 'you-are-so-pathetic' look. I was sitting outside this famous fast food joint, McDonald's, a coincidence, or may be not. And it won't take a genius to figure out what happened next. Oh, wait! I just had my lunch like an hour ago. So? Nothing comes in between when I am eating !
I was busily immersed in having my double sized burger when I realize that there wasn't enough space in my stomach. Wait, I have filled myself up to my throat, literally. Though, I was trying to wash it down with the cold coke, but still I was mouthful like a hungry baby who doesn't know how much to eat at one time. I could choke up any time. Then my phone buzzes. A text message, like an actual SMS from a cousin sister. Exactly, who texts these days and that too from another state. I smile for a moment. I try to gulp the mouthful of burger, and it doesn't go down. I take the help of the chilled coke. It slowly settles down. I open the text message from the notification bar. It read :
"Ajay uncle, You are going to be an uncle".
For a second, I didn't believe what she meant. She got married last year in February and since then, as kids might call the married people uncle & aunty, I used to tease her by calling her Aunty. Every conversation with her since then had this word attached to her name. I would never miss it. Well, there would be no fun if I did, right? So, when I received the text, I felt it was too soon(?) may be. Or was she just messing with me by telling me that my parents were searching for a girl and I would end up married eventually making me an uncle (as per my logic). Me? Marriage? Yeah, I am laughing-out-loud too. Wait, you weren't? Oh, umm, my bad! *hides face*. A moment later ( read: after gulping down the whole burger somehow) I called her up and confirmed for sure. After the talk, I mean me-teasing-her, I totally forgot to congratulate her. As I was in the mall and I was looking at the people running after their kids everywhere, pushing the trolleys, carrying the baby shoulder pack (or whatever it is called), the kids dragging their parents, whatnot. So, I was too busy picturing her with a baby and doing all that stuff people with kids are doing, right in front of me. Now, I can totally call her an aunty. Wait, that means I will an Uncle. Cool. I mean awesome.
"Oh, we did have a feeling about it and we were right"
A secret can't be kept too long. Usually, it can be. But it is not quite the same when it is playing just in front of out eyes. Many had their suspicions, but it wasn't something one could just walk up and clear the doubts. It started a year ago. When the cupid struck Vikram had take a big step in making a choice for himself, for his life. It was a big leap from the normal routine he usually employed which comprised mostly of work then any other avocations. He proposed to the love of his life, Asha. It wasn't easy. Because there were a few things that didn't hit the right chords. There were differences, differences of course are what makes life interesting. Else it would be just the same, constant; a monopoly, in colors or black and white, figuratively speaking. And as friends, we were there to support him, both of them. That was our responsibility, per say. Eventually, after a few ups and downs they were set to follow a single path, thats when two roads met. The differences that people pointed out were out the picture now as they were one and decided to follow the path till the end.
After a few weeks, they came forward and announced in confidence to the selected few, us, whom they considered friends. Now, this was a secret until everything is set right. What else was left to set right, you might ask? It is not just the two people who have to agree, there were the parents who need some convincing to do. A few hiccups, a few agreements, a few disagreements, a few meets still wasn't enough to consider the wishes of their children. After all they are the parents and they had the best interests of their kids, no matter the consequences. So, there were not compromising on their future and were considering all options to come to a conclusion what might be in best interests for all people. A few months later, it was finally decided. Asha's parents flew to Vikram's house to discuss about the dates, a date to unify them, a date of their marriage, a date when they could start their own journey together.
Now that everything was set and the things were falling in place, they felt that it was time to disclose the secret. A secret which was confined to just the small circle of friends. But it wasn't really the best kept secret. People see things and there begins the assumptions. And Vikram and Asha were too secretive about it either, though they tried their best. It was quite evident to spot the people in love, even if they don't want to be found they can't stay hidden. So, a month from now, they will write their own story as one in unison, a path that they both will follow for the rest of their life. Then they will be truly together. As they were making everyone in their vicinity know about the unison, a few have had their eyebrows raised, a few had a we-kind-of-know-but-act-surprised face. But for Vik & Ash, a new journey is going to begin while they are count the days eagerly waiting for that auspicious day.
We were a group of seven friends. A little disagreement, or more like a difference of opinion trickled down to six. Gautham got a better project and moved to another building located at different part of the city. One more guy, Venky got married last month. And now Vikram and Asha are also tying the knots. This means everybody is getting married. And that leaves us two guys Karthik and I, who are single (and ready to mingle). And if you are wondering why I dwell away my weekends at the coffee shop (You weren't wondering? Ouch!) , you have the answer right here - The married guy fancies the time with his wife ( of course) and two other guys are busy in their "world" and Gautham seems very busy with his social life with his new found buddies at his office. Well, I am not up for marriage, for at least few more years, or a decade perhaps. A year more and we might have only one single guy.
Friday, January 16, 2015
Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. I always liked this quote. Everyone has a unique quality that they possess and not everybody sees it. It always comes to the other person how they perceive and interpret things. I do that almost all the time. I perceive the things as they are and in my mind I interpret what I have seen. Do I stop there? No, I take a step forward and try to connect the dots, only that there are no dots to connect. And what do I do, I create the dots. A story for each dot and what is left for me to do is to just join then. Eventually, after a lot of creating and joining the dots, I end up intermingling them. Like the one you find in your pocket, yes, the earphones. And in the process of setting those intermingled lines, I end up messing it up. Eventually, after to much hard work and whatnot, I wake up. " Wow, that was a beautiful dream", I react to the morning light preventing me to open my eyes. A moment later, that dream just fades like the million other dreams that faded away. Or darn, I hate that feeling.
What I hate more is when I am in that spot where I want to do something and I am just not able to. The reason, you ask? If I had known, I would be trying to battle it, wouldn't I? To escape all this melodrama, I turn to fiction. Lets's write some fiction, let me just create stuff out of thin air, or may be break?, or may be I will fly or, perhaps die. But I will live, in words, for eternity.The pen is refilled with new ink and it beams with uber freshness to let the beholder exploit it. The hourglass is turned upside down. A few moments passes by, the pen firmly between the fingers wait patiently in silence. The hourglass is turned over a hundred times now. The ink feels disappointed, drying in the thoughts that never made a move, the pages left hungry for the precious touch. Progressively, or perhaps with no progress, the sky loses the crimson red only to be followed by the dazzling starry night who lay in the soft clouds in anticipation to be etched, or be an inspiration. Like a kid eagerly waiting for a story to be told, they wait with hands on their cheeks. Patiently. Slowly it also fades as the slim streak of light make its presence over the horizon. I rub my eyes to the soft awakening from the beautiful dream, to be crafted on the eagerly waiting pages.
As a last resort, I bury myself in the pages of a book, the world of the written word.Fascinated is too little of a word to be able to comprehend that feeling. It is much more than that. Though it doesn't take long, when I want to be a creator of a tale that lingers in the sub conscious. I try to find words in everything. Everything I see, I feel needs to be put down, put on paper. Every walk I take becomes a narration of the story that was thus far imprinted, only to be faded in the misty wind that blew. But that side of the mind which speaks inside describing in words, striking, rewriting whatever is seen never leaves me. Admiration takes a front seat when the eye catches a beauty followed by the words that silently try to tell a tale. But then " staring" is not advisable. They don't understand that I was admiringrather than staring. As the only remedy for it being "keeping it to myself", I am bound to withdraw myself to something called imagination. I let it drive its course. But the fuel, the fuel of inspiration is empty desolate.
I still try to let the thoughts take the shape of the vessel of imagination. Usually, I'm an addicted to the motion pictures. I claim myself to be a photographer, but the world- karma-whatever-whoever says otherwise. Anyway, there is a fascination in the those pictures as they capture the moment in a frozen version. A moment which has a story to tell. Well, being the inquisitive creature that I am, I am bound to learn the stories they sing. So, don't mind me pondering over those stories in the confinement of my mind. And like I said, the motion pictures, they have a different view. When the books are adapted into movies, or even if it their original adaptation, someone has to bring those words into life, drag into their world and let the people see things the way they see. Isn't that great. And what do I do? In my sub conscious mind, I re-write the story in my own words and I look for the details to be put in alphabets and words. I observe the details. I create new stories, I try to find that inspiration that I have been missing. And by the end of the movie, I don't really know the story of the movie as I was more into the screenplay, the characters, their voices, the background score, the dress, the expression of the people, almost everything but the story. And what am I left with? You see those casualties that get caught up in the crossfire, what is their story? The main lead, the hero takes the revenge or puts an end to (almost ) all evil. He stays happily ever after, unless of course there is a sequel. But those nameless people who are caught in the between, what about them? What happens if they die for no reason, what goes around in their family, what course of action they will take? No body really thinks about them. "That's the price they have to pay". "A war has casualties". "There is nothing that can be done!" The just fade away, don't they? Forgotten! Thats' exactly what would happen if we are the by-standers in our story!
I think too much, don't I? Leaving all the necessary things that need attention. I run after the things out of my reach and I get tired real easy, may be its the breakfast routine that I don't follow daily. But, this is a problem, right? Houston, we do have a problem! A real one.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Totally lost it..Wait! What's my name.
- Reporter from The Daily Blogger
Get me an aspirin. This is giving me aches, head ache.
- Blogger News Crew
Oh darn! Why? Why didn't I just ignore?
- People from different parts of the world
He drank the emptiness of the thoughts. He was lost, or so he thought. One after one came those thoughts which made no sense. Or were they even thoughts or just empty vessels which made annoying noises. Its North at one time, its Flemings left hand Rule the other or South one time, and its the improper shaped amoeba the other time. He didn't had a firm ground to lay his feet, a firm pillow to lay his head or a firm book to pen down his thoughts. Thoughts? What are they? I started doubting myself after the fleeting events of drifts in this person's imagination. So, what am I thinking? Skydiving (No, I read it recently), hmm...yeah yeah, Love...or is it swimming or is it the new game Assassins Creed . What was I thinking? Wait, let me come again.
The night lay illuminated by the sodium vapor lamps and the shiny building names that sparkle and dance their way in the emptiest darkness. The cold breeze is obstructed by the window plane which was shut to avoid the the treacherous insects from getting inside. But he went out to let of some steam. Steam? He just came out of hot shower! Lol No.The misguided thoughts which made no sense of what were leading him to. It was one peaceful night and the cold breeze was refreshing. But he tried keeping his mind at rest without thinking anything. The more he tried not to think anything, the more he thought. The result? The steam just got hotter.
He was at rest. His mind was blank this time. The full bass of the music plugged in ears was unheard. The songs ended, the people's chatter started but he was unconscious to their speech and sound. He was steady and motionless. He was lost this time, like for real. Or was he sleeping. Yeah, he slept. Thats' what I thought.
He was laughing. Laughing looking at his cell phone. Some weird text may be. He replies to it. And then frowns. He smiles again, like a child. He again texts back. It continues until he gets no reply. He throws one nasty swear at the phone, pays the bill for the coffee, plugs in the iPod and off he goes back to his well... umm... splattered thoughts.
He looks attentive. He must be planning something. A person, may be his friend is explaining him something. Oh, he is listening to whatever he is saying swinging his head. Why doesn't he reply then? Why just he keeps nodding his face. Another person precedes over the former speaker and continues. Oh, there he speaks for a brief moment and then the former person continues with his explanation and then there is a brief silence. Like the one after the baby stops crying.
He looks irritated. He is with his friends at a shopping mall. Oh no, not that guy. He doesn't buy anything but checks each and every damn thing. He calls it research. Who the hell cares? He drags his feel and looks really irritated by this guy. They are in an expensive showroom and the price tags shows more than two months salary and even more and these geeks are there exploring the possibility that when they win a Billion Dollars in lottery, they may be able to buy half of whats there at that showroom. Oh No..Nooo! His friend goes to another crazy section. It is more likely that they are going to spend the night at the showroom only.
Oh, yeah. I am super bored. No. I was just trying to get that sympathetic look. People don't give that look for getting bored. Whatever! But I sure hit that writer's block. So, here I am trying to make sense of things, known and unknown, familiar and unfamiliar, right and wrong, left and right, up and down, umm.. you get the point, don't you. Most impimportantly, I'm battling with words, the right words to say, to express, to vent?, to ramble?, to speak, to write. I do feel that this isn't the end of the road, but is it? It sure feels like it.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
In a city not far away from here, there lived a guy with a personality, a splendid one fortunately. And as we all know that a great personality comes with a lot of baggage and fortunately for him, the baggage was all the good stuff. He had a great work, not what he had dreamed of as a kid, but it pays the bills. Well, "When there's money, everything is probably fine", isn't that right? Anyway, after a few escapades with a few friends from work or a few from his earlier association with the town he was from, college and the school, he had his share of fun whenever he had the chance. Moreover, there were someone to give him a nudge for a weekend getaway or likewise.
As life balanced on the tight rope between the present and the oblivion, he grew on it, the life. He switched jobs, shifted places and met some of his college mates from his town. As he was battling between different chores and keeping up with little things like promises to his friends was on the downfall. As if the the routine juggling wasn't enough, he also found his love, his college sweetheart who had come to he big city looking to do something big and meaningful just like he did. As fate might have it, he was drawn to her with invisible strings which he terms as "complicated".
"Complicated! What do you mean complicated?", an inquisitive friend of his asked.
"You wouldn't understand", he said with a sigh!
"Complicated. Life is complicated, sure. Love is complicated, more sure about it. But that's what life and love are all about, a challenge to simplify it, un-complicate it.", his friend argued like the great philosopher he thought he was. It didn't take much for him to pass along the details of his complicated relationship status to his friend. They will not be together in the future which both of them knew it, but they are together now, sometimes.
"Complicated? Bloody hell, it doesn't seem to do justice", his friend expressed his agony but then again there was no better word for it. He told his friend that he was still holding on to those invisible strings, swimming in it and letting the stream to take its natural course.
For a while these complicated strings had kept him awry of social life and also from his usual escapades for quite some time now. He and his friend made last minute calls and would meet up but there was no fun at all. They would hang out sitting in the shopping mall staring "at" people(read : girls), and feeling bad (read : sad) about the recent developments in the love lives of all these people, which they are missing/missed out on while they were of their age. While they were sulking in silence, as the year was coming to an end and hence, they decided to go on a different directive this year, something they had always wanted to do but lacked the company of a few more whilst it won't be fun. So, the plan was drafted and the timeline was mapped for the last few hours of the last day of the year. His philosophical-friend was all excited for the year coming to an end realizing that this would be the first time he will be doing something other than his ordinary-boring stay-at-home-and-sulk adventure. Time took an express train and it was new years' eve finally and the plan was still in play. As his philosophical-friend was a little excited and that there were on the clock, he camouflaged through the shadows and bunked his office to be that punctual guy he always was. The day turned out to be the busiest day as the traffic had almost come to a standstill or perhaps moved at snails pace. No one could really put a finger.
While his philosophical-friend was stuck in traffic all this time, he went to one of his other friends' home and was eventually added into our group or two. But they had an early celebration when the new member was called for a night shift. They popped up a few chilled beers and got down to the business of sinking in the early celebration. For him it was the first time while the new guy was a regular. He was slowly getting the kick of the soar tasting chilled beer that slowly made its way down and then up. Eventually he got used to it and he sank into its influence floating in that reserved space that was left unexplored till now.
|Image Courtesy : Google Images|
He looked at his buzzing mobile to find his philosophical-friend's number blinking who was still stuck in traffic. He made the small talk and decided to meet up and then proceed with the plan. But by then he had just started his experiment with the soar drink. And time did its magic and whosh fast forward one hour, he felt he was still ready for the big plan while the time slipped away. His philosophical-friend on the other end of the phone had already started feeling that the plan was going sidetracked for the obvious reason thought he never had any clue what was happening on the other side. Fast forward one more hour, he was still making up promises and assuring that he would come and pick him up in another half hour. His philosophical-friend on the other end now knew for sure that he shouldn't have made that plan with him. "This wasn't the first time he had kept someone hanging midway", his philosophical-friend thought feeling like a fool. He silently went for a dramatic long walk, had something and returned back, all by himself. Then the phone buzzed. It was the now-drunk guy, the one who just bailed on the plan perfecting the art of breaking trust and not living up to the word.
"Hey, I had a few too many drinks for the first time. And I can't make it. I am really sorry about it. Don't mind", he sounded almost convincing and sorry he was.
"Hey. Wow, really? It's all right. Don't bother about it. We could do this some other time", his philosophical-friend responded.
"This was the first time I got drunk and I am sorry. Don't mind", he responded with his train of thoughts that he could make up from the aftermath of being drunk.
"Don't worry about it. It's no big deal. Next time may be" his friend sounded almost-normal hiding the disappointment.
"We will meet next weekend. Sorry. Happy New Year"
"Okay, next weekend, sure thing! Oh, thanks! Happy New Year to you too. Have Fun".
The philosophical-friend reached his room, opened his laptop and started his annual stay-at-home-and-sulk adventure. The ritual he followed almost every year without fail, it seems. This year was supposed to be different. Unfortunately for him, it wasn't. It didn't go according to the so-called-plan. That rest of the night was spent on the internet replying and forwarding the New Year Wishes to each and everyone one in the contact list.
That day his philosophical-friend learnt an important lesson, though history almost repeated itself. He had quite a few similar experiences in the past and that was the reason he wasn't as disappointed as he should be. A prominent one of them happened few years back on his 8th birthday. A lesson that some people just could not be make up to the for what they promised or gave their word for. And those whom he considered friends always had another friend that usually didn't include him. And the next fifteen years just solidified his misconception, or was it the truth he choose not the believe in? Eventually he learned to keep everything to himself. But he felt too rooted in this anomaly and wanted something new, something that kept him at par with others. And he felt he was turning a new leaf in his diary and decided to let go of this deeply rooted old notion that he bothered himself for almost all his life. He was on the right track finally, he thought. But the dilemma that whether he was too late to realize or may be that he just didn't fit in bothered him. And he just realized that he made a grave mistake. He thought he could simply turn a new leaf and hoped that everything would just fall into place. He was wrong.
All these years made him self dependent, or perhaps self centered and reminded him everyday that he could never be involved completely as a friend. Each person in his so called friends circle had their separate group of friends. And guess who was left behind when each one of them were to team up. "Please divide yourself into separate groups" always had him wondering where to go while each of the other person knew where they belonged, their place among the multitude of people. What was he battling through? Was it the scar that the life, over all these years left him with? Was it bad or was it a blessing? Or was it those few people who left him scarred. No, it was him, and only him. A pointed finger indirectly points three more fingers at self. That concludes the discussion. It was him. Or was it him really?
Saturday, January 10, 2015
He stared at those words, which weighed more than he had ever imagined. The words, in generality has a purpose and he crossed it. He didn't realize what he did. He was angry. So angry that he had to vent it out. It was his only solace, those words. So, he poured his words out filled with anger. He was over reacting to something that was so primal in itself. He had no idea. Well because he was angry. Anger dissolves a person inhibiting any rational thinking. Yeah, he wasn't thinking straight, hell, he wasn't thinking at all. There was a fine line between what's good and whats' appropriate, what to write and what not to write. What he didn't realize that he crossed it. He just didn't cross that fine separation breaking the few barriers he never saw coming and stamped all over it. There was no line. There was no rationality in thoughts and the words burnt like a raging wildfire. He lost it, in the fit of anger. Anger. An expression of feeling that brought more destruction than peace.
It was like a spoken word. Once out, you can't take back. That's why they tell you think twice before saying. He was there staring at those words that burnt everything to the ground. There was no return, there never could be. The damage has been done. He drowned into his thoughts cursing himself for being such an arse, for letting something as fickle as an anger take control. How could he let it? It had consequences, everything has consequences. Just as everything seemed like normal, just when he turned a new leaf, just when he was regaining himself, he lost it. He had it coming. He had it coming and it hurt him bad, real bad.
It was out. He couldn't sleep that night. His conscious was raging a battle to undo it, take back, each word, every letter. But the not-so-friendly anger overpowered the peaceful conscious. He didn't sleep last night, he couldn't. Like he didn't sleep that night. But the next day, he took that deep dramatic walk, the walk of Talk-To-Self, in his personal space namely mind. And it hit him. He was wrong, he was very wrong all along. He lived in the bubble he created around himself imagining people to fall into their character as he imagined them to. He was wrong. People were different. They weren't characters in his story to be like how he imagined them to be. They had their own story. The were unique. They were awesome. They were people. As realization hit his conscious deep enough, he embraced the people for being themselves. He took down that piece of garbage he wrote when he thought he was doing himself a favor by being so rude absentmindedly. It never saw the light of the day. But he made a mistake, somewhere down the lane, he did something horrible and brought it into the limelight. It was still hidden, still lingering in the dark away from the limelight.
But one unfortunate afternoon, he found his worst fear as he stared at those words, which weighed more than he imagined. The words quoting an excerpt of what he wrote that day, that sleepless night when he was not himself, when he was too drunk on anger. He knew it would hurt, those words that carried the likes of harsh and insensitive. How could I do this to a friend?, he battled another sleepless night. How could he? Someone he admires beyond comparison for originality, for being who they are and what they are. Now, he is trying to fix that broken glass that shattered right in front of him, piecing together piece by piece. But it won't be the same, will it be? He knows it. And any amount of apologizing could bring back anything to normalcy. He just hopes that everything goes back to normal and that his friend forgives him for his irrational stupidity. He doesn't want his one little (not so little apparently) mistake to ruin his friendship. And one last time (or may be just one of the beginnings) he apologizes for being that horrible person without empathy. "I sincerely apologize".
Sunday, January 4, 2015
The sunlight scattered through the trees as he sped into the morning light to be joined by his friends. It was the day before of their graduation and they were excited except him. He was terrified [Precision of language] - anxious as everyone born there knew what they wanted to and what kind of job they might be given, except for him. He lived in a community surrounded by a boundary where all their previous memories were erased. They started over after the ruin. They knew what people had become and that cost them a lot. There were rules, the rules of equality, the kind of language to be used, to follow curfew, the kind of dress and the medication to be used. They lived in a world where differences weren't allowed. They were devoid of all color to avoid any differences that might rise in the minds of the people. There was no popularity, no fame, no losers and no winners. Their "elders" have eliminated all of these and created communities where there is no conflict, no fear, no pain, no envy, no hate and no love. They weren't words so much as sounds. They were echoes forgone on the other side of history. But he was different, he saw things differently but never told anyone about it. It was against the rules.
What would it be like to not feel anything? Since we have been habituated to this phenomenon to feel, we would be devastated if one day we find ourselves unable to experience. And if it were the case that everything, such as feelings and other essentials are completely curbed from us, how would we be? How would be cope up and how would be lading our lives, without differences of people, of color, of religion, of caste. Wouldn't we be one of those robots or simply put puppets being told what to do and what not to do by someone who "claims" to know everything.
|Photo Courtesy : Google Images|
I just came across this movie : The Giver! I guess there is a book as well about which I know nothing about if there is one. But it is a beautiful movie. Because Jonas who is different among all the others has a perceptive mind and used to see things that were totally alien to him. And one day he is chosen as the receiver of memory, the memory of the past. The journey of his realization of what it means to feel pain, love, hate, anger, whatnot and how and what made people adopt to the confinement of the communities and not to mention the apprehension of beautiful colors, the melody of the music, the art of expressing, sharing and dancing, the falling in love, the kiss, all of which were just exquisite. As I was watching, though I may not be able to experience first hand but if I were to put myself in Jonas's shoes, I would be thrilled, excited, scared and whatnot in a whole different level. What we don't realize is the essence of these feelings which we take for granted and we introduce a new feeling called ego causing more damage to ourselves than we could even imagine. And the other thing that I love in this movie is people living in harmony without any knowledge of any sort of differences, color, religion, caste or anything that sets people different from others. They were unified in a way. How I wish to see that in our world! Yeah, I know I need to limit my hope but why can't we? Do we really have to erase all the memories, the feelings and not question what and why we are doing! Is it the only way?
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow."
- Albert Einstein
I was just getting used to this number 2014 Twenty-fourteen and here I am rehearsing the new number 2015 Twenty-fifteen even before it has begun. Well, I like to keep myself updated, a little too early perhaps this time. I have read quite a few blogs where people have poured out their feelings for the amazing year that is just biding us farewell, while at the same time being hopeful with new aspirations in the new year and new beginnings of happiness and joy. *Touches wood* #FingersCrossed. I am with you on this and come on, who doesn't like happiness and joy. A lot has happened in the year and I am awestruck that I don't remember any of it. I always thought I had a good memory at least when it came to remembering the things other than studies. But looks like I am losing my touch. Well anyway, let me just bore you with my drama for the year. And mind you, I am not a good actor nor a good writer(*gets smacked in the head*).
Getting kicked by a Girl
It was a day after my birthday. I did not mention about it to any of my friends because I know what they would do and in the fear of that I kept it to myself. But it wasn't that hard for them to figure out. I unintentionally gave a clue and in that mistake came out the truth. I wasn't wished by any of them on my birthday, but the following day I had it coming. I was still kind of hopeful that I wasn't made out and acted so making a total fool of myself. You know the feeling when you lie to a person and the person knows that you are lying - That kind of fool I became. But, in a way I kind of deserved it. This was no fun, believe me. That was one of the birthday gifts that I ever got and hope that it is the last of its kind.
Cousin got married
After a near half year of torture from me, she finally got relieved leaving me no one to else to tease. She was on regular call with me every other week just talking about stuff called life and I was there every single time to remind her of the upcoming marriage and that fact that she hated that but kind of excited (which wasn't shown) made my task a lot easier. But all that fun ended in January when she got engaged and in February when she got married. And oh yeah, I was like the photographer and gave the offcial photographer a very hard time.
Jobless with a Job!
So, the journey began again. Six months to the date, I was in a project and that was the longest I had been and then as fate might have it, I was left to the wild to chase some other prey, I mean project. But I was rather too adamant and reluctant as there was no harm in working for a few days or months, the money would still get credited at the end of the month. Though I could have made some productive use of the time and actually did something that mattered, rather than staring at the wall all day long.
Another cousin's marriage.
Yes, there were a lot of marriages. Well, this was last in the family for this year. Now for last marriage I was appreciated for the messy long hair that I had by almost everyone in the family. One old guy whom I don't even know came up to me and said that he didn't recognize me (of course, he really didn't know me nor did I but he knew my mom) while suggesting me to get a hair trimmed. Yes, everybody loved my hair that they wanted a piece of it. Anyway, this time to avoid any such special appreciations, I had my hair cut 3 weeks before the actual day. As luck may have it, that barber took more than I bargained for making me look more dumber than I already was. 3 weeks later, that "effing" hair never grew a mm, resulting me to hide in the whole marriage. And this time none of my photography skills were presented.
A hasty move.
As I was battling with boredom and nothing to work at, I finally caved in and decided to get on the next opportunity that presented itself. And it did in May as the promises seemed to be beneficial and the work was minimal. Only to find out that there was a lot in bargain which they failed to mention and to top it all, the promises were dismissed. Now that we were already in it, getting out of that mess was totally a nightmare. I actually had a few sleepless nights, thinking about the day and telling myself that only if I had thought it through. For the next 2 months, I shuttled the two corners of the Bangalore city just to get out of that false promised mess. And I did, but that was a nightmare for sure.
I was already stuck in the labyrinth with no way to escape and on top of that I was the only guy in the group of ten. I was totally on the wrong side of the balance placing me in the visible limelight. It doesn't seem like much of a deal but it actually was, atleast for me. Imagine one guy and eleven girls, one is bound to feel trapped. I had a few hiccups but then more people joined and I was slowly off the hook. Thank God.
I had to play bold. That decision two months back was eating my head, my patience. I had to put an end and I was willing to take all force with me. I wasn't scared of anything. The worst that could have happened was they telling me to quit. I called my mom and asked her if it was okay if I quit the job to which she said that she had no problem at all. I didn't had any problem with the work. In the contrary there was no work and along with it was extra pay. But they had made certain promises which they are denying it and that hit a nerve I never thought I had. I was this close to take it all the way up the chain, but they knew that they made a mistake and were willing to make amends. I was eventually let go.
A Midnight Caller.
My phone never actually rings even though I change the ringtone every other day, well because that song was awesome. Anyway, I was just trying to get over my writer block and in the process I was brainstorming as my phone buzzed in the new ringtone for that week. The excitement that it being a girl just went down the drain. The caller was a dude(a blogger) with whom I stopped talking a few months back because he was being himself and kind of reckless in his thoughts who wanted to know about a girl (also a blogger) whom I came across around the same time as him. What surprised me was when he asked me about the private intimate questions about her to which I politely declined having any such knowledge. He was confused and unstable in his thoughts and as I thought we might be on good terms, he had to make that bad move. He called me once again a few minuted later I disconnected his call. And that was the last I heard of him. Now they both are happily in love. Yeah, I had the same question - Why the hell was I a part of this?
A Rainy Trek.
We, as in the friends group were getting bored as we never had been out together in a long long time. So when there was a trek organized by a certain group at work, we just grabbed that opportunity as it came. It was one hell of an experience. It was rainy. It was slippery. It was congested. It was cold. It was windy. It was a near test of my stamina, which I thought I had in abundance but it was worse than I had imagined - I have no stamina at all, like NIL, Zero. Ten minutes into the trek and I badly wanted to get back to home. I did not write about it because every time I think about it, it just pains me. No not because of the near traumatic experience but my camera which got soaked even though it was rarely taken out resulting in making it a junk piece, literally. From that day whenever I see a camera, I just go "Damn! why would it happen to me?"
So far I have been going month-wise and looks like the train end here. The last three months of the year have been a fuzzy since I don't recollect a single thing that happened to me or around me. Oh yeah, there was a colleagues' marriage just this month. Apart from that, nothing.
Have I done anything that would stand out in this year ?
Any milestones? Achievements?
Anything to strike off from the To-Do list?
Is there any chance in the next year?
Oh yeah, absolutely. Optimism is all I have, even though I might not feel it.
Anyway, ince I am here blabbering about almost significant (or not) that happened this year let me extend by just a little bit - Friends and Blogging. I haven't been the best of the writers but there have been people who were there to help me through all this ordeal.
A few people who made a difference this year -
Aditya : This great singer is not only a great friend but just admires me for no apparent reason. He has a great voice and is a fun guy to hang out with.
Rani : She is notably the only friend who reads my blog (I hope she still does). And I am eventually making her addicted to TV series. She is a child at heart and speaks her mind which I totally admire and on top of that she has a great sense of humour. She is awesome in her own way.
Vamsi : He is my old classmate who has a wicked humor and is always the victim of being teased ( the good-no harm kind of) and I always do that.
Sabarish : He is my lunch buddy and my former team mate/ team lead kind of. He is another fun guy to hang out with.
Arjun : Though he is a little elder to me he never makes you realize that age gap.
And I belong to the so called group of friends who go by the names Siva, Laks, Deepak, Sushma and Ramesh have been a part of my year. But lately the chemistry seems off. May be the reason could be associated with Laks getting married, Deepak moving to a new project and having office far from us and the love pair Sushma - Ramesh. This couple have changed as a lot over the months totally have totally stood out to amaze me in every wake.
A few bloggers who made a difference and continue to do so -
Red Handed : The first person that came to my mind. She is an amazing writer and what I love about her apart from her writing is the way she motivates. Every single time I post a write up belittling my writing skills or likewise, she makes me realize I am going about it the whole wrong way and not to down grade myself whatsoever. But then again, I hit that writer's block and I feel like venting about my incapability to pen down thoughts and what a drag I am as a blogger. Then again she makes me realize - "That is so right. Why the hell did I even write? Undo. Undo. Delete the damn post!".
Dhara : I was just reading her latest post titled "Mandatory post at year end" which made me realize that I haven't done anything remotely significant in this year. As a matter of fact, I didn't do a thing. So, her post was kind of a booster to do something this coming year. And here is another amazing blogger.
Mrs. K (Keirthana) : Well, she got married this year. So congratulations and if you are reading this - You owe me a party :P . Though she might be irregular at reading my posts ( and I can't blame her for my lame posts) she understands me even though we haven't actually met. So, I really appreciate her thoughts and opinions. And not to specifically mention, she is also an amazing writer.
Wanderer : Her mind is simply amazing. And the way she writes is quite unique. Though I envy her (a bit for that amazing mind of hers) she does sometimes helps me get out of the writers' block. Yes, she is that good. And I recently observed that she has a lovely voice.
IQ : From now on, I would be calling her Didi. Well she did related me as talking like an annoying brother. She had been MIA for a long time, but I am hoping to see her write again, soon. And hoping that she reads mine too.
Now, I would go on about each and every blogger I came across and that would take days to complete. So, let me just add the names here. Soumya, The Purple Assassin, Aathira, Akshitha, Thinker, Amrit Sinha, Bushra etc, etc, are a few amazing bloggers in their own unique way.
To summarize, I have outlived which I had never expected. Yeah, of course each year has its ups and downs, but at the end of the year I can just hope for better days to come with lessons learnt from the past. Anyway, my year end song or poem or rambling or whatever you may call it. It is kind of a ritual that I post the same thing every year, just like I use the same resolutions every year.
Past has taught Lessons.
Memories have brought Happiness.
Time has taught Living.
Mistakes have brought Wisdom.
Now, New is the Year.
New are the Aspirations and Dreams.
Behold the Newness.
Step forward, Step Ahead.
Here it comes, yet another Glorious Year.
With a Smile on your Face.
And Hope in the Heart.
Cherish the Past.
Replenish the Future.
And Never Forget,
Live the Moment.
Anyway, Wishing you all a Happy and Prosperous New year. May this year bring you many good surprises, joy and happiness.
Take Care and Have Fun.
P.S. Are you alive or did I just your last day of the year?
Monday, December 29, 2014
He stared at the melted candles lost in thought as the smoke dissolved in the aftermath of the party. He had a surprise that would be remembered for eternity. It was winter night and the cold wind ruffled through the curtains. It was a concise party with a handful of people. It was supposed to be big, a little bigger than this. A chill ran down his spine as he lay lost in thought. The previous the night he was excited when he bought those 30 something gifts for his friends and stuffed them with what the essentials that the eight year olds would use. He thought he had to be practical when it came to gifting and at the same time didn't want to compromise. And he was excited. This was the first time he would be surrounded in company of his friends in the larger quantity. The following day after answering the calls from his relatives and other family members, he went to school with sheer glimmer in his face. He made sure to invite everyone to his party, each and every person he knew in his class. Eventually, the final bell rang as the whole lot dispersed to their homes. He was pretty excited and at the same time was scared a bit. This was the first time he was hosting this big of a party on something he felt was important. As time flew by he could smell the delicious food followed by delicacies that his mom prepared for all the guests. He had a lot planned for the day and hoped that he could be a better host the very first time. The moment he was waiting for all day finally arrived. He kept his eyes on the clock with each minute and hoping for someone to hit the doorbell or even knock. Time was being cruel on him. Each second felt like an hour. As for him, hours passed by and there was still no one at his doorstep. He was trying to his cool but and being optimistic while keeping the worst fears at bay. Little did he know that what he feared was becoming a reality with each second that passed. And eventually he was living his fear. No one turned up. He was devastated. Birthdays? He bid them a farewell for good, for a lifetime. No more. He promised himself.
The surprise was overwhelmingly exhilarating and something that could never be forgotten. This one scarred him, for life. From that day, he wasn't a fan of surprises of any sort. Nor was he presented with any surprises, not even the good kind. Though the birthdays were bid a good farewell, it was at least customary to be celebrated with the assembly of the family which was pretty good compared to the heart breaking episode that happened to the eight year old that winter night. Eventually there were no gifts at least on occasions like these. Gifts, normally are something that one give to show a certain gratitude, love or something to remember someone or a day by. That being the basic principle that surrounds this surprise of gifting. Eventually he used to ask his parents what he would be getting for his birthday. Now mind you, there were no friends coming over his house, and that meant no gifts, nothing. So the only other alternative was asking the people he would be spending with. Now there was an interesting analogy of all this gifting business. For instance one was in need of something, say like a bicycle because it was fun to ride and one of the important accessory as a kid and he would get it. Six months later, they point at his bicycle and said that it was his birthday gift. No argument there, right ! But eventually the joy of getting a certain gift unexpectedly faded. Though there were a lot of arguments trying to prove the worthiness of a certain thing, but the routine pointing to certain thing and telling him to be happy for that as it was his gift for that year just bored his wits. Where is the surprise? But he couldn't argue, could he now? There was no logical point because he knew he couldn't win. The result was that joy of getting a surprise gift on a special occasion was left to his imagination. Not even for Christmas and he wondered why there no gift at the Christmas tree.
He froze as he stared at the box wrapped in a shiny ruby red as his words faded in silence. The thoughts stumbled in his mind, but he couldn't say a word.
It was just like any other day at the office, cold with the low air-conditioner's temperature in spite of regular calls to maintain a steady normal temperature. The aftermath of the Christmas celebration was settling as the people were just admiring their gifts given to them by their Secret Santa, while some were still wondering what was lying in front of them indirectly questioning the taste of their Secret Santa. He was one among the latter but he was extremely humbled that the gift he gave was appreciated which he didn't expect. He had spent a good deal of time trying to figure out what to give and whether he would be able to make them happy. And boy, he was too glad when he realized that he was successful in bringing that smile when his gift was opened. Just as then, the screen on his computer blinked to a chat message that popped up at the end of the screen as he was thanked and appreciated for the gift. He had no idea how to respond to the gesture so he just smiled and said "You a welcome". He had no idea that there was this much joy in gifting. The blinking window in the screen read, "Are you busy?". He had this custom response to this question "Nope, not at all. Whats' up?". And the following response meant that he had to be present there. As a good friend he considered to be he didn't question the nature of the meeting, he just made himself available. He stood there anticipating something that might require his help or likewise. Little did he know that there was a whole lot of surprise waiting for him. His friend opened the drawer of the cupboard revealing a neatly wrapped gift. He froze as he stared at the box wrapped in a shiny red-ruby as his words faded in silence. The thoughts stumbled in his mind, but he couldn't say a word. A few moments later, he was still trying to comprehend that it was gift for him. There was no occasion but there was a gift in front of him which he assumed was for being that friend. He was overwhelmed beyond his wildest imagination and though it was beyond his anything he could possible comprehend, he just let the stream take its own course. He just wanted to cherish that gift but was told to unwrap it. As he carefully opened the wrapped gift making sure that it doesn't get torn, a box labeled Ponds Age miracle presented itself before him. Now, this is a surprise. But that wasn't all. As he proceeded to open the final installment of the package, a coffee mug was carefully lying in the confinement of the box. For a coffee lover, this was an added surprise to the already surprised face. Though he had a million thoughts colliding in his mind for the unexpected surprise, all he could say was a few Thank You's. He had nothing in return. He so badly wanted to reciprocate the affection shown towards him, but there was nothing that great that could possibly be at par with the gesture. He was just lost in thought, lost in admiration as time froze for him.